Ever since I got pregnant, I haven’t been quite myself. I thought it would be over when I give birth, but no. If anything, I’m drifting even further than myself.

Sara is now almost 11months this end of month. She started walking today. I mean, really walking. From a corner to a corner, from room to room. Although she falls sometimes (her tiny legs get tired fast), but I can say she’s officially walking now.

I’m so proud of her.

And I also realize that it has been 19 months since I started feeling off. I realize that I haven’t been embracing motherhood.

All these drama of me loosing myself is because I haven’t been embracing motherhood. Right from the beginning, when I got pregnant.

Pregnancy was an emotional roller coaster. Often I found myself blaming my unborn child, blaming my pregnancy. I was unable to connect with her. However, as soon as she was born, it was a love at first sight. I wanted to devote my life for her. To care for her, nurture her, give her the best I can, give her the best chance.

Now, being a mom, I also found myself still unable to embrace motherhood. Always comparing myself to my commitment-free friends, I feel old and dated. I found myself living in a fantasy. Everytime I sit still breastfeeding Sara, my mind wanders off to my fantasy land where I live in my perfect world, looking forward to find that happiness and joy that I so much seek. Sometimes it includes Sara, sometimes not.

Being able to provide Sara with the best, being able to afford things that I want. Travel the world. Dress like a model everyday and blog about it. Being able to sketch while sipping my coffee in an old city. It was MY perfect idea of happiness.

In reality, I can’t always afford to give Sara the best, I can’t always afford clothes, handbags, shoes, my dream babywearing gears and cutest cloth diaper prints. Travelling with a baby is a whole new adventure of its own. Sipping coffee is out of the window. I had to gulp my coffee and get it over with.

The thing is, for the past 19months, I have been missing the point. Nothing is ever going to change if I don’t accept one thing. Happiness is right here. It is what is surrounding me. It is what I have. It is Sara NOW. Not when-Sara-stops-breastfeeding. Not when Sara is finally sleeping through the night. Currently she’s wakes up every 2hours (at most!) during the night. KILL ME. See, I’m being negative again.

Happiness is the little things. When Sara gives me her sweet precious hugs and kisses. When she glances over me for approval. When she smiles after a satisfying feed.

*tears*

Today, Sara started walking. I was too busy being desperate for fantasy to turn into my real life that I missed out on that moment. I have missed out many moments. Moments that are just too short, too precious to even grab for a camera.

I have to embrace motherhood. Accept that I am now a mom, and despite the ups and downs in life, I will always. be. a. mom to my child. It’s a process. and any progress is a good progress.

Because one day, who knows.

Sara is not going to be a baby for long. She’ll be 11 months soon and she’s now walking. Where did that 11 months go?? Next thing I know she doesn’t want to be carried anymore. She’ll want to walk on her own. Her hugs and kisses will be hard to come by. She’ll want her own room. Her own space. At that time, I bet a million bucks that I will cherish this moment. It is just too short.

Sara, about a week young.

p.s, not entirely unrelated: currently obsessed and dreaming about woven wraps. Especially Kokadi and Lenny Lamb wraps. So pwetty. Babywearing keeps me sane. oh…

On 3rd of August we were shocked by the lost child, Wan Aisyah. According to sources, the mother handed over her own child to her so-called fiance who then disappeared on her. The social media was really helpful in spreading the news and pictures using hashtag #findAisyah.

Among the images that was spread in social media #findAisyah

Of course, to everyone’s relieve, she was found well and alive, Alhamdulillah.

Although, I can’t help but wonder why did this happen.

Let’s recap on what happened. According to the report,

1. On 30th July, 2013 @ 3.20pm the mother, Pn. Arbaiyah gave her daughter, Wan Aisyah to his fiance, Mohd Faisal bin Ibrahim at EON Jusco Rawang.
2. She also gave her daughter’s documents to him.
3. The reason why she gave her daughter, is that she believed that Mohd Faisal was going to introduce her daughter to his sister who lives in Damansara.
4. The mother claimed that Mohd Faisal was going to marry her after this Eid-ul Fitr.
5. They met on facebook and had only met for 4 times and they got engagged.

This one event already raised suspicious question on why would a mother let her daughter to be taken away from her. Rawang and Damansara are not exactly side-by-side. And, even if Mohd Faisal wanted to introduce the girl to his sister, why didn’t he bring Arbaiyah also since they were gonna get married?

To make it even more suspicious, the mother gave Wan Aisyah’s documents to Mohd Faisal.

Following the event,

1. on 2rd of August, at 8:00am, they met again at Jusco Rawang and she gave him RM25,000 to help him startup his gold business. However, Wan Aisyah was not with him.
2. When Arbaiyah asked her fiance the whereabout of her daughter, she was told Wan Aisyah was with his sister.
3. The next day (3rd Aug), she waited for Mohd Faisal to pick her up at her own house and he never showed up.
4. So she went to his house and apparently the address was a fake address and the house is someone else’s.

By this time, she knew she was conned and went ahead to make the police report.

Big, big question mark.

Why did she give her daughter with her documents? 

and why did she even give RM25,000 to someone? 

I never really had the faith in Malaysian justice system. I mean, pedophile rapist get away with crime just because he’s a national sportsman, and the guy who committed a small crime such as not wearing a helmet paid eavier punishment than the person who was involved in multi-million bribery. Really? Well, I thought I still have hope and would like to contribute to my country someday.

.. Until I found out about the recent amendment to 114A. Though I’m not sure if it’s already official since I couldn’t find that information (somebody please help me out?). [Edit: This amendment is already passed by the parliament.]

(source: Malaysiakini)

In a nutshell, this amendment is saying that any publication is under the responsibility of the shown name, whereby the publisher, co-publisher, or simply the people sharing the publication, including, the blog/website owner, and wifi/internet provider is hold accountable for the publication. Basically, anybody that is involved directly or not can be prosecuted.

For example, a blog owner may be charged for a comment left on his blog by another person. Or even the owner of a facebook profile with nasty friends. So, basically, you may be the next person going in and out of the court, and possibly doing jail time just because you did not think twice about posting your opinion. Seriously, this system is soooo messed up.

Yeap, you guessed it, now my hope for a better Malaysia just went down the drain.

Wait, actually, that happened when 1Malaysia logo started popping up all around Malaysia and they burned my eyes to the ground. We’re so f*cked, people! haha T_T

p.s, I have a theory, you’d have to have no brains to be part of the decision makers in our government. Smart people, well, they’re too smart stay away from all this bullshit.

p.p.s, Now, let us all share something, initiate something and see if they can bring us ALL down. LOL!

p.p.p.s, Wait, will I get charged or sued for posting the statement above?

I wish I could blog about something cool about my absence. Like I’ve been involved in some gangs or something, make me  look super badass like I own the world. yeaaah… *bad ass face*

But the truth is, I’ve been slammed with so many assignments. It’s final year degree in architorture, can’t expect much from me. And having a dictating lecturer, is only making it 100000x worse. So, I’m not going to bother you with my rants on how assignments are slowly killing me, and how Melbourne is just gettting boring by the day, in fact, I want to talk about intentions, specifically intention of learning about religion, or to put it simply (or more accurately), niat untuk tambah ilmu agama. Sounds like heavy topic hey?

I want to put forward that I’m no religion expert. In fact, there are so much for me to learn about my own religion.  My mum used to drag me to mosque so that I could listen to the preaching afterwards. Sometimes they talk about some interesting topics, and totally catch my attention, and other times it is just bloody boring. I’m lucky to have a sporting mum who doesnt mind me sleeping whenever its getting boring. Bottom line is, I do want to learn something, at least a bit by bit. And I’m always grateful for insightful and interesting preach but I can only be patient during those boring preaching for it has cost me time.

Anyway, I recently just watched this video and I must say I don’t agree with him at all. Basically he’s saying that he’s against those ustaz who are more entertaining in their preachings saying that they are making fun of Islam. It’s pure BS if you ask me. In my understanding, making fun of the religion is not taking it seriously or mocking the religion. Most youngsters that are not.. well, technically speaking, so pious, is not like they are ignorance, but they just cant find the proper channel that they can cope. If the ustaz gets too boring, using terms that we dont even understand, how do you expect the youngsters to stay interested?

In the end of the day, the audience just want to get some ‘ilmu. And if the ustaz isn’t capturing anybody’s attention, I don’t think anybody’s gonna learn anything. We all know that humans today have very short attention span (or is it just me?). Of course, as the audience, we should try to concentrate and be open as much as possible, but one can only take so much. So yeah, I think it’s good for  and important for preachings to be entertaining or charismatic (read: charismatic, not aggressive). Unfortunately, not everyone is born with good communication skills. So, if you know a good ustaz/ustazah coming to your town or on tv, seize that chance. Whatever it is, be ready to accept the ‘ilmu and if needed, do extensive research on it. Niat nak ilmu. okay?

May Allah bless us all. Amin.

p.s, My mum’s been asking me to post pictures of the Uni. Will try to spend some time for that! 😀