I’ve been breastfeeding Sara for a year and a month now and it’s been a roller coaster journey. Don’t get me wrong, I love breastfeeding, it’s an amazing way to bond with my daughter. Plus, despite how it may look like, breastfeeding is actually a very convenient tool to feed and comfort baby especially while out and about. No bottles to carry or sterilize. Just pop your shirt up. LOL.

However, I can see that this journey is going to end soon. This past few days I’ve seriously considered to wean her off completely. I feel like it has become a burden for me and I feel like I need my ‘body’ back. I’ve resented breastfeeding her so many times which I feel guilty about and I know that is not healthy. On contrary, I still feed reluctant because I know for a fact that breastmilk is the best nutrition, especially her main source of digestible DHA.

Still, I can’t afford to have moments where I’m resenting breastfeeding.

Let me tell you. Sara is a reverse cycle baby. Which means, while I’m away at work, she will drink very very little milk, just enough to stop feeling hungry and then she would wait for me. It gets worse in the evening where she’ll refuse milk because she knows I’ll be home soon. At the moment, she’s already drinking formula and infant’s goats milk while I’m at work, only because she started rejecting EBM.

Now, what happens is, she will nurse nurse nurse at night (and sometimes all night long) and it seriously tires me. Since I’ve stopped pumping during the day my supply has been established for night feeding only. So, weekend becomes very challenging as my supply is not enough. Yet, Sara being persistent and even determined, she’ll still refuse bottle (or drink very little) and rather nurse for a damn long time until she’s full.

I’ve had enough and I’m determined to wean her off.

I know that with Sara, the only way is to go cold turkey. I went to the pharmacy and asked for Dostinex. It’s a lactation suppressant drug. Unfortunately it takes 2 days for the milk to dry up and I can’t breastfeed while on the medicine.

BUMMER.

How the hell am I supposed to not breastfeed her when I know she’s gonna scream her lungs out asking for it?

At that time, I didn’t care. Figure out the details later. I was so desperate to get my freedom back so I bought them. RM56 for two,(read:  TWO) tiny tablets. It better work.

So, I went home that day, I nursed her as usual, and once I know she’s full, I tried rocking her to sleep without nursing. She cried. On and off. For 30minutes. The last 10 minutes she was so tired of crying she turned to look at me. She looked at me in the eyes with an expression I had never seen before. It was an empty stare. I looked back at her and wondered, have I betrayed the trust we’ve built for her whole lifetime?

I couldn’t.

I burst into tears as I told her how much I love her, how sorry I am for being selfish.

We then sang her favourite bedtime song, and I nursed her to sleep. She dozed off in a couple of minutes.

Perhaps I can still try to wean her off some other time. I’ve heard of the lemon and neem oil trick. I still can’t find neem oil yet, so I’ll try the lemon trick this weekend. Ideally, I just want to wean off her daytime feeds until she’s two years old.

But looking at the situation, I know that with her, it’s either all or  nothing. I still haven’t decided whether to wean her off completely. I guess I’ll just casually try and see how it works out.

I’m sorry Sara, this is not the end. It is only the start of our special relationship, okay?

My husband came up with this brilliant idea to create an email account for Sara. We will give her the password to her account when she turns 18. It feels like a time machine! and my husband has always wanted to build one.

We will send her love letters, pictures, tips and anything we could think of so that she will know what happened when she was still a baby. I have no idea how often we will do it, but it I hope she will read each and every single one of them. I hope we won’t go spammy! We can be kinda obsessed to her. LOL

Well, here’s my first letter to her.

Dear Sara, 

Ever since I got pregnant, I haven’t been quite myself. I thought it would be over when I give birth, but no. If anything, I’m drifting even further than myself.

Sara is now almost 11months this end of month. She started walking today. I mean, really walking. From a corner to a corner, from room to room. Although she falls sometimes (her tiny legs get tired fast), but I can say she’s officially walking now.

I’m so proud of her.

And I also realize that it has been 19 months since I started feeling off. I realize that I haven’t been embracing motherhood.

All these drama of me loosing myself is because I haven’t been embracing motherhood. Right from the beginning, when I got pregnant.

Pregnancy was an emotional roller coaster. Often I found myself blaming my unborn child, blaming my pregnancy. I was unable to connect with her. However, as soon as she was born, it was a love at first sight. I wanted to devote my life for her. To care for her, nurture her, give her the best I can, give her the best chance.

Now, being a mom, I also found myself still unable to embrace motherhood. Always comparing myself to my commitment-free friends, I feel old and dated. I found myself living in a fantasy. Everytime I sit still breastfeeding Sara, my mind wanders off to my fantasy land where I live in my perfect world, looking forward to find that happiness and joy that I so much seek. Sometimes it includes Sara, sometimes not.

Being able to provide Sara with the best, being able to afford things that I want. Travel the world. Dress like a model everyday and blog about it. Being able to sketch while sipping my coffee in an old city. It was MY perfect idea of happiness.

In reality, I can’t always afford to give Sara the best, I can’t always afford clothes, handbags, shoes, my dream babywearing gears and cutest cloth diaper prints. Travelling with a baby is a whole new adventure of its own. Sipping coffee is out of the window. I had to gulp my coffee and get it over with.

The thing is, for the past 19months, I have been missing the point. Nothing is ever going to change if I don’t accept one thing. Happiness is right here. It is what is surrounding me. It is what I have. It is Sara NOW. Not when-Sara-stops-breastfeeding. Not when Sara is finally sleeping through the night. Currently she’s wakes up every 2hours (at most!) during the night. KILL ME. See, I’m being negative again.

Happiness is the little things. When Sara gives me her sweet precious hugs and kisses. When she glances over me for approval. When she smiles after a satisfying feed.

*tears*

Today, Sara started walking. I was too busy being desperate for fantasy to turn into my real life that I missed out on that moment. I have missed out many moments. Moments that are just too short, too precious to even grab for a camera.

I have to embrace motherhood. Accept that I am now a mom, and despite the ups and downs in life, I will always. be. a. mom to my child. It’s a process. and any progress is a good progress.

Because one day, who knows.

Sara is not going to be a baby for long. She’ll be 11 months soon and she’s now walking. Where did that 11 months go?? Next thing I know she doesn’t want to be carried anymore. She’ll want to walk on her own. Her hugs and kisses will be hard to come by. She’ll want her own room. Her own space. At that time, I bet a million bucks that I will cherish this moment. It is just too short.

Sara, about a week young.

p.s, not entirely unrelated: currently obsessed and dreaming about woven wraps. Especially Kokadi and Lenny Lamb wraps. So pwetty. Babywearing keeps me sane. oh…

Having a baby, I find that it is easy to lose myself. I found an article by Pinky on Loosing yourself to motherhood and alhamdulillah, I’m relieved. The article is a proof that what I’m feeling is normal and I’m not alone. Honestly, I thought I was going crazy because I have …lost myself to motherhood.

My daily life now revolves around Sara. When I’m not breastfeeding, or putting her to sleep, I’m feeding her, chasing after her (she’s mobile now, crawling FAST) or catching her when she falls.

I don’t eat healthy foods, I eat leftovers and whatever I can grab with little time I have. I gulp (not sip) my coffee. I have shower in 10 minutes. I procrastinate peeing so many times that I caught UTI (urinary tract infection). I don’t exercise, which was something I used (and love) to do. Cleaning is a speedy, speedy thing, if I manage to do it.

and that, with ONE baby. An active, smart and curious one at that.

Yes, unfortunately I’m not one of those moms who feel amazinggg after they had a baby. I was overwhelmed and I had so many anxiety. I was unhappy a lot. I felt like my ‘freedom’ had just been robbed from me. However, I realize that is a very selfish thought and it is something I have to turn around.

To get mommy mojo back, Pinky highlighted several points:

1. Carving out ‘Me’ time

Carving out ‘me’ time can be a tricky one. I feel like I had to steal time just to have my morning shower or it will be pushed back to noon! I guess I need to talk to my husband so that he can take Sara for a few hours while I do my thing. Alone, uninterrupted. Although… I have no idea when that would be possible.

2. Schedule one activity a week

Hmm, gym perhaps? Or a run around the block. I can try.  Ideally, I want something more challenging such as rock climbing or Skytrex challenge. But hey, baby steps yo.

3. Meet up with a friend who also has kids

Being a young mom has it’s downside. Most of my friends are still UNMARRIED. Yes, I’m THAT young. I feel so lonely because I don’t know many other moms and I can’t vent out my mommy problem to my single friends, they wouldn’t understand. I know, because I’ve been single, and I was  oblivious of babies, and this whole mommy world.

However, I have a few mommy friend and this certainly can be done.

4. Start a gratitude list

Sara is amazing. MashaAllah.  Motherhood can be very exhausting but also highly rewarding. I’m always happy to see her smile, to see her reach her milestone development. Whenever she gives me a kiss, a hug or call me ‘mama’, she makes my heart feel warm. In a lot of ways, she has changed me. She made me a less selfish person (I was a very very, self centered person, I admit), she made me more warm (I used to hate kids).

Oh, also, babywearing also helps me to feel happy. It allows me to carry Sara and have my hands free. Love love love. It’s my favourite part of motherhood. And I loveeee cute prints on cloth diapers.

Alhamdulillah, I got pregnant really fast after we decided to try for a baby. Maybe Allah knew if I didn’t get pregnant then, I might have changed my mind and delayed having a baby. Allah knows best.

Alhamdulillah, thank you Allah for Sara.

Husband – I have a wonderful responsible, supportive husband who is not afraid to help change Sara’s diaper. (and we are CD-ing!) He’s not afraid to wash the dishes, help clean the room, wash the toilet, organize the room. He might not be romantic (because he’s more of a logical person) but he is sensitive to my feelings. Sometimes he feels like a best friend to me. We love travelling and having our little adventures together. Whether it’s a city adventure in busy city of Bangkok or Camping in Great Ocean Road, Melbourne. Love love love.

Family – I have a great family, who always supports me. Especially my mom, although we bicker sometimes (because I’m such a hardheaded) but I know she means nothing but good intention to me.  Alhamdulillah.

4. Ditch the stereotypes of a ‘good mother

I think the only person who set the stereotype is the mother herself. It’s easy to feel like a bad mother when someone points out something at what you’re doing. You are the only one who knows your child. And there’s no such thing as a super mom. All moms are a super mom when they raise a healthy child.

All in all, I’m okay. I just need to chill, breathe and keep being positive. No matter how many times I wake up at night, how thick my eye bags are, or how much I’m breaking out (due to bad sleep and unhealthy diet) I. need. to. stay. positive.

And keep praying things will get easier.