Happy New Year!!

Gone are the days where I would be so excited to celebrate on new year’s eve. Going to dataran to watch fireworks and welcoming the new year. Amira was sick during the new year’s eve so the weekend was spent caring for a fussy baby.

2016 was the toughest year in my life. Being a mother, of two on its own is already a challenge. I am so blessed that my daughters are healthy and normal. So I would say, as much as I feel that motherhood is tough, there is always a mother who had it worse. However, it doesn’t make my struggles invalid.

2016 was about my inner struggles. My denials about the reality. I hardly wanted kids, but I am so blessed with not one, but two beautiful daughters. I kept thinking about couples who want kids so badly but years went by without two lines on the pee stick. Sometimes I felt life is unfair. I felt the universe is unfair.

For almost a year I struggled. Finding my own lost soul. Lost in amidst of breastfeeding, making baby food, stepping on random toys on the floor, endless laundry and trouble focusing. There are so many little things that needed my attention. Little clothes that need to be washed. Little bags need to be packed. Little things to bring to outings. Little people to manage. Screaming little people to manage. Even simple tasks were daunting.

They say life with children is fulfilling. They say everything is worth it.

But what if, at the end of the day, that is not true for me? All that time, energy, my body… *sigh*

Bliss is having my time for me. Bliss is having my body for my own. Not attached to ugly nursing clothes because they are practical for the baby.

I felt like I was in a dark room where nobody understood how I felt. I was trapped and life just went on without me. Everything were so blurry and I couldn’t recall many things. Conversations were bland. Sometimes I would scream my lungs out when I’m alone because I couldn’t bear the feelings.

I felt sorry for my kids because their mother is barely capable. Their mother hated things she had to do for the kids. Packing their bags, breastfeeding, making their food. Everything was done out of a job without love. It was painful as the job is not paid. No reward to enjoy. No bonus. No gratitude. Worst employment ever, and there was no quitting. It felt like a life sentence. Yet, I still worry if it would negatively impact their growth.

Well, because I do love them. Complicated much?

Then came November. Somehow things started to get better. We got a maid to help out with laundry. I was actually able to pull myself out of the bed and face my day. I started eating well. I paid the parking. I was not late to office. I started getting a clearer head. Suddenly, Amira is entertaining and Sara is ever so sweet and lovely. I went on outings with husband without the kids.

In December, I started to genuinely enjoy the kids. I was kinder to my husband. I went on several marathons. I was fired up to join more marathons in the future. I still couldn’t find the time to exercise, baby steps.  I felt the life in me. I feel inspired to get into my hobby, which was sewing. I wanted to make something.

Looking back in 2016, there was nothing much that I have accomplished. Other than, I now have 2 years experience as an architectural assistant. With all that happened, I still believe that in the end, it is to teach me a lesson. Maybe I won’t learn anything had life went exactly how I wanted. Maybe this is what I need? I’m still waiting for that silver lining even if it’s staring right at me and I didn’t know it. I have to have faith, otherwise, then, what is the point of everything?

One of the biggest lesson in 2016? To live life without regrets. Learning the true meaning of regrets is even more painful than to let it go. It is a process, and I am trying inshaAllah with a lot of prayers.

2017 seems brighter. I am so looking for it. I have plans and already on the way to it, inshaAllah. Please pray for me.

Aisyah, jangan mengada nak give up. Lempang kang. *muka garang*

YES! I’ve done it. My diploma is finally over! I’m happy, but not extremely happy no thanks to my bad performance for this last semester. Surely, I struggled, I almost pulled off my best but it was not enough. I wished I did pull off my best. Then again I would have neglected my newly wedded husband, I can’t deny that.

Anyway, I have nothing much to say now. I’m  probably going to buy a new book on fashion illustration or sewing. And maybe start sewing as soon as I finish the book I’m reading.
Truthfully, I’m still taken aback of what happened this semester. More like upset, really. I feel like I’ve failed my own expectations, and that feeling is not good at all. Let’s see the results soon.

On other note, I hope that I can further degree in Melbourne! It’s a one-year degree for part 1, and I’m not so sure what’s the plan yet, but I’m just gonna go with the flow, and let’s see what happens. Anyway, here’s my final studio work. It’s an extreme park inspired by Plants VS Zombies game. I hope you like it.

I don’t know if anybody noticed, but I deactivated my facebook account like a month ago. I can list you many reasons why I did that, but one of it is that, I feel old.

When I was 14, I felt like adult (haha). Not so when I was 15. 16 was cool. 17 was uncool. 18 was pretty good. I mean that’s like most popular (desired) age. Just got legal, perky tits and no care in the world. and you know what’s next.

19, was the new 18. 20, was is pretty exciting and now that I’m GETTING to 21, here’s when it hits me: I’m freaking gonna be 21.

Do you have any idea what this means?

That means I’m gonna be 21!

In Malaysia, you are obligated to vote once you reach 21. That’s just the beginning to all the responsibilities waiting to explode like a time bomb. Yes, responsibilities. and 21 is so near to 25 and to 25 is near 30!

OMG I’M A FREAKING OLD LADY.

*stands naked in the mirror*

ok, I still have my perky boobs. *phew*

You know what, I was kidding. I’m not worried about my physique yet but I feel like I’m mentally aging. I’m kinda suspecting that this has something to do with my relationship with someone 7 years older than me, but it’s not fair to say that he’s making me feel old because certainly he makes me feel a lot younger than I am. However, I do think I absorb some of his matureness.

For example;

1. I’m not as mean as I used to be.

2. I find bitching about other people is pointless and no fun.

3. I don’t go out that often anymore because I prefer to just stay home, watch DVDs or do something productive (whatever you think it is, yeaaah)

4. I found out that during a serious conversation, you’re not supposed to laugh or make jokes. Think: that fucking annoying fat retard in the movie Due Date.

and the worst:

Usually during an event with my fiance, upon saying ‘hi’ to a baby or a toddler, the parents refer to me as… auntie? Ok, fine, that’s because they refer to my fiance as uncle, but doesn’t mean they should refer to me as an auntie too! I mean, I’m practically still a teenager!

So that means I do look old.

That also means I’m probably fat. Hmm… It just goes better with being old.

5. I don’t feel the need to move around in packs. It kinda makes me feel like cows or a bunch of monkeys. Being a lone ranger is a no biggie and I’m cool like that yo.

Hm… that’s about it that I can think of for now. There are more of course but I can’t seem to put it into words. Although, I do feel relatively feel younger when I’m with some boring bunch of 20-something oldies like some wives who only talk about their pooping babies. During those times, I find it a lot fascinating to watch an ant die or break a new Ninjump’s highscore on my iPod, a godsent portable boredom remedy. Well, actually it’s a gift from my fiance. hahah.

Okay, back to Facebook. You know, I get friend requests everyday and I’m not like a retard approving everybody, especially not those middle eastern guys looking for a wife, no offense. Or, those girls.

Speaking of which, really, what’s up with those high school girls who are adding me on facebook? First, I don’t freaking know them. They are probably juniors in high school and to be honest, I was so into myself that I don’t know 98% of my juniors. Some are even 5, 6 years younger than me, how the hell they found out about me, I don’t know but they did.

And second, I’m not somekind of some shit older ‘sister’ they can refer to. Fuck off, I don’t know anything about college. Mine’s pretty shitty and chances theirs gonna be too.

But being the new kind person that I am, I tell them about college anyway and they are so excited about it not knowing what lies ahead of them. ah, everybody wants to see rainbows and unicorns yada, yada, yada.

There are some other things that I get annoyed with like bitches’s war, show off jerks, [pretentious] religious people, and [ugly] people posting wherever they go and pictures partying partaying in a pathetic attempt to make them look fun and outgoing. Not to mention, those girls who are overly PDA, posting love quotes, love letters and badly photoshopped pictures of them and their stupid looking BF! Keep those to yourself la girl. Ingat kau comelz sangat kewwww????

and I have to admit that I’m guilty of stalking other girls on facebook. I’m talking about those pretty, skinny, sometimes younger girls. They make me feel like shit afterwards cause I know where I stand. No wonder why some girls enjoy making fun of ugly girls, it makes them feel a lot better about themselves. Shallow, you may think, but that’s the truth for yah. Girls are insecure creatures.

So yeah, that’s about it. Although the equation of how feeling old made me deactivate my fb account is uncomputable, it makes sense to me.

Wutevaaaa! *pegang dada pandang atas*