Hi, my name is Aisyah Rozi. This is my personal blog where I share my life experience, thoughts, ideas and occasionally, my projects. Recently, however, I share a lot about being a young mother. I'm also a YouTuber, so do checkout my channel! <3
Oct 07 2016

Sometimes I do fantasize…


Both kids are still awake. Sara is still very active. Playing and doing her gymnastics on the bed. Amira is wide awake because she ‘napped’ half and hour earlier. Ok, she didn’t nap, she went to bed but Sara’s excitement woke her up.

I was feeling defeated. I was tired. All I wanted to do was to relax and have a good sleep for a productive day tomorrow.

But I couldn’t.

So I pretended to sleep on the bed while the kids were busy exploring their physical capabilities. Amira was climbing on me to try to stand up. Sara was rolling over my legs.

Bloody. Hell.

I don’t care, I want to sleep.

So I tried, but I couldn’t. I was starting to get really annoyed they took MY time. Instead of yelling at them, I decided to give myself a therapy. So I closed my eyes and fantasized.

I fantasized myself living in a parallel universe where I never had kids. Where when I was 23, I was mature enough not to be pressured by my mom to have kids. Where I was sane enough not to think I could handle kids. Where I knew that having kids won’t change someone who is not a baby person.  That I wish I knew, how having kids could rob you of your freedom because your mom always said that you can still do whatever u want despite having kids.

What a bunch of bull.

Then I fantasized about how my life would have been had I never had kids. I long for days where I can actually relax after a long hard day at work. I can do the chores in one hour, and then have another 2 hours to myself before going to bed. The bliss of not having to worry about an actual person’s volatile emotional state (such as of a toddler). These thoughts are dangerous as it can stem into wishful thinking..

Suddenly,  as I lay on the bed. Amira climbed on me and kissed me with her messy saliva. Sweet, and gross at the same time. and I said, “Amira, stop kissing me, get off me.” Then, Sara came over and said, “I want to kiss you, mama”.

“No, Sara, don’t kiss me.” I said. I just wanted to be left alone.

Mama taknak kawan Sara ke?” She asked.

Bukan mama taknak kawan, mama taknak kiss” I explained.

Ala… bolehlah kiss… Sara nak kiss mama”

hmm ok

OK!” she said excitedly. She hurriedly kissed me.

I felt butterfly in my tummy. I felt a light in my dark heart, for a brief moment.

12:30 AM. Kids are finally asleep but I found myself still awake. I have made a promise to myself not to feed on negativity, but on some days it is very very hard. I have also pledged to myself to pray more. Seems like everything else is too ‘wordly’ of a matter.

I distracted myself with iPad entertainment until I was sleepy again  and went to bed. Well, here’s to another day to survive.

Sep 12 2016

Being on YouTube!

Hey! I know I haven’t blogged for a while here, not that I’m apologetic, but since last month, I have been very active on my youtube channel. I foresee that I’m going to be busy over there. Blogging is not a thing of the past, I will still continue to blog (for now). Video is the way now, so I feel very strongly about it too as I’m able to express more through videos.

For now I’m mixing makeup videos and lifestyle Vlog. I’m planning to do product reviews in the future too. Do checkout my channel. Here’s my latest video (and first makeup tutorial).

Thanks and until next post! muahhh

Jun 07 2016

When the World is Too Big

Assalamualaikum Sara,

May this email finds you in great health. Today is June 7th, 2016. You are about 2 years & 7 months. and I am going to be 26 in 3 months time.  Lately, you’ve been quite fussy. Small things set you off. The wrong cup, Shutting the door. Opening the door. Hugging Amira, then hitting Amira. But that’s okay. We found a way to fix your mood. That is, by playing Ruqyah, and to attend to your needs with lots of love.
Since you became a toddler, sometimes you refuse to be hugged, or refuse to give kisses. You want to be more independent and in power. Then at one point, you realized you are in need of affection, and act out on it. That’s okay Sara, I totally understand. You want to do so much more, but the world is too big for you. It must be hard being a toddler.
Your mind is growing especially well. You are also learning to colour really well. You aced holding a pencil. You are learning your ABC’s, you know how to make du’as, recite Al-Fatihah. We tell you bedtime stories, and you enact or add to the story.  Today is the second day of Ramadhan and you’ve been following abah to the mosque. You love going to the mosque even though abah doesn’t let you play far. You enjoy colouring by his side.
Sara, we may not be able to afford to give you everything, but know that we are always trying our best. When things get hard for you, know that you can always consult me. I will always be there for you as long as I live. You have a whole future ahead of you, and we believe in your potential. InshaAllah
Lots of love,
Feb 19 2016

The Birth of Amira, 27 Jan 2016

I gave birth to Amira, my second baby, much later than I had hoped (between 38-39 weeks). I have been trying to induce labour naturally since I was 38 weeks + by doing aerobics and keeping active, but the labour was nowhere in sight. I was getting nervous that I would birth to a large baby.

Then, came 27th January, a day before due date. I had a check up that morning with Dr. Hamiza at Gombak Medical Center. I went to the hospital all by myself, drove all the way from Shah Alam. While driving, I felt slightly more intense braxton hicks (or a.k.a false) contractions, accompanied with pressure somewhere on my pelvis.

However, upon CTG scan at the hospital, it was not at all contractions. The doctor predicted the labour will be soon as the baby had already engaged. I was excited, but I tried not to get too excited as I had been disappointed by frequent BH contractions that went all night long only to wake up to a perfectly normal day few days before.

I drove back home with BH that happened twice every hour. Then, that noon I had a rather pink or slightly brown show on my panty.

Ok, now I’m excited.

But again, I tried not to get too excited. I ignored the show and went on the day as usual, I was making a busy book for Sara. At around 4pm, I noticed that the BH got slightly stronger to a point that I had to focus on my breathing. It wasn’t painful, it was just this tightening sensation around my abdomen that’s making me hard to breathe.

I didn’t want to make Edwin too excited so I just told him to finish off his work quickly. Might happen tonight, or maybe even tomorrow morning. I decided to try to take a nap in case if it does happen tonight.

I probably got 5mins of nap. I timed the surges and they were 20 minutes apart.

Ok, better get ready! I cleaned up some loose ends around the room and packed the toiletries. Our hospital bag is ready to go in the car. Packed Sara’s bag for her Opah.  Then, came Asar, so I prayed. Tried to get more naps. After that, I bounced on gymball with each surge. Cleaned up all the craft supplies off the desk. All these while entertaining my 2-year-old toddler.

6:00 pm

Told my mum that I was in labour. Drank goat’s milk, ate a lot of dates. Made a bottle raspberry leaf tea. Then Edwin came down to the kitchen to help me with surges. We hugged, sometimes I squat while he massaged my back, he breathed with me. We were like in-sync all through the surges, it was so wonderful.  By now, surges were already 10 minutes apart, and this is the time the doctor advised to go to hospital. But I wasn’t ready! My mom took over Sara. I went upstairs to take a shower, while husband prepared coconut water.

A long good, hot shower. Oh, it felt sooo nice. Surges were 5 minutes apart. I had 3 surges while in the shower and it almost didn’t feel a thing.


We had dinner. I ate a full plate of rice and chicken tom yam. I surprised myself that my appetite was still there. Yeah, I needed the energy. After azan, we immediately prayed Maghrib. I prayed as usual.

8.00 pm

We were on the road, on the way to hospital. I called the Doctor’s handphone number to let her know that I was on the way. ETA 45 minutes. Surges were a lot worse in the car. At some point I lost control and cried. I pulled myself together and focused on breathing. My husband held my hand with every surges. We brought a hot water compress in the car, and it was helpful. I drank coconut water between surges.

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