Hi, my name is Aisyah Rozi, founder of Imansara.com & webdesigner at Laman7. This is my personal blog where I share my life experience, thoughts, ideas and occasionally, my projects. My passion is designing, sketching and sewing. I'm 24, a babywearing, cloth diapering mama of Sara.
Dec 05 2014

Breastfeeding Talk: Weaning my 1 year old.

I’ve been breastfeeding Sara for a year and a month now and it’s been a roller coaster journey. Don’t get me wrong, I love breastfeeding, it’s an amazing way to bond with my daughter. Plus, despite how it may look like, breastfeeding is actually a very convenient tool to feed and comfort baby especially while out and about. No bottles to carry or sterilize. Just pop your shirt up. LOL.

However, I can see that this journey is going to end soon. This past few days I’ve seriously considered to wean her off completely. I feel like it has become a burden for me and I feel like I need my ‘body’ back. I’ve resented breastfeeding her so many times which I feel guilty about and I know that is not healthy. On contrary, I still feed reluctant because I know for a fact that breastmilk is the best nutrition, especially her main source of digestible DHA.

Still, I can’t afford to have moments where I’m resenting breastfeeding.

Let me tell you. Sara is a reverse cycle baby. Which means, while I’m away at work, she will drink very very little milk, just enough to stop feeling hungry and then she would wait for me. It gets worse in the evening where she’ll refuse milk because she knows I’ll be home soon. At the moment, she’s already drinking formula and infant’s goats milk while I’m at work, only because she started rejecting EBM.

Now, what happens is, she will nurse nurse nurse at night (and sometimes all night long) and it seriously tires me. Since I’ve stopped pumping during the day my supply has been established for night feeding only. So, weekend becomes very challenging as my supply is not enough. Yet, Sara being persistent and even determined, she’ll still refuse bottle (or drink very little) and rather nurse for a damn long time until she’s full.

I’ve had enough and I’m determined to wean her off.

I know that with Sara, the only way is to go cold turkey. I went to the pharmacy and asked for Dostinex. It’s a lactation suppressant drug. Unfortunately it takes 2 days for the milk to dry up and I can’t breastfeed while on the medicine.

BUMMER.

How the hell am I supposed to not breastfeed her when I know she’s gonna scream her lungs out asking for it?

At that time, I didn’t care. Figure out the details later. I was so desperate to get my freedom back so I bought them. RM56 for two,(read:  TWO) tiny tablets. It better work.

So, I went home that day, I nursed her as usual, and once I know she’s full, I tried rocking her to sleep without nursing. She cried. On and off. For 30minutes. The last 10 minutes she was so tired of crying she turned to look at me. She looked at me in the eyes with an expression I had never seen before. It was an empty stare. I looked back at her and wondered, have I betrayed the trust we’ve built for her whole lifetime?

I couldn’t.

I burst into tears as I told her how much I love her, how sorry I am for being selfish.

We then sang her favourite bedtime song, and I nursed her to sleep. She dozed off in a couple of minutes.

Perhaps I can still try to wean her off some other time. I’ve heard of the lemon and neem oil trick. I still can’t find neem oil yet, so I’ll try the lemon trick this weekend. Ideally, I just want to wean off her daytime feeds until she’s two years old.

But looking at the situation, I know that with her, it’s either all or  nothing. I still haven’t decided whether to wean her off completely. I guess I’ll just casually try and see how it works out.

I’m sorry Sara, this is not the end. It is only the start of our special relationship, okay?

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Nov 07 2014

Worst Decision Made for Sara

A month ago I got a job as an assistant architect in Kuala Lumpur. We’ve had plans to move to KL and we did exactly that now that we have a reason to. The company needed to me join them ASAP so god has His way and I found a babysitter that can be trusted.

I asked for a half day for the first day of the job so that Sara won’t be too overwhelmed. The first day I sent her, Sara cried as I left the house and I went to work feeling like an irresponsible mother. It got me thinking, what kind of world are we living in that mothers have to leave her offspring into a stranger’s care? It did not feel right for me.

When I went to the babysitter’s house, Sara cried as she saw the sight of me. She immediately wanted comfort from me. I felt like I have betrayed our 11-months short of built bonding, trust and unconditional love. And that weekend, being an observant mother, I found something was off about her. She became possessive and insecure about me. I can’t leave her eyesight or she will cry like I’m leaving her forever.

Then, a week later, she came down with a fever. Long story short, she had an episode of febrile fit. Which is a kind of seizure caused by high fever. It was really, really scary and her post-seizure condition was so worrying that I thought I had lost her. Luckily my sister (future doctor insyaAllah) was home and she knew what to do to abort the seizure. Coincidentally she had just finished her posting in pediatrics. Anyway, fast forward again, Sara was hospitalized for 4 days. I had to take 2 days of emcee. She was discharged without a fever and only flu.

sara demc

About 30% of children under of age 6 get febrile fit once in a lifetime. and 10% have febrile fit repeatedly. I crossed my fingers that Sara is within that 30%. Bottom line is, everytime Sara has a fever, extra caution & monitoring must be taken.

2 weeks later, once again, Sara was down with a fever. This time we were prepared. We have her  medicine,her thermometer. We monitored her temperature around the clock even at night. She started taking pcm on Friday night when her fever started. We did the sponging routine, light clothing, constant monitoring etc. Then, the next day, 3 hours after her last pcm dose, she was still at 38.8. So, we quickly rushed to the clinic to get her a pcm sup to bring down the fever.

Unfortunately, the doctor refused to give her the sup because it’s only been 3 hours. At the hospital, they would still give her sup even when her last oral pcm dose was an hour ago. So, I felt uneasy about this doctor’s decision. At the same time, I also fear for overdosing her. The doctor suggested us to wait for another hour and keep sponging her.

And.. as fate has it, an hour later before we could even give her the sup, she had a second episode of febrile fit  while I was nursing her. This time we knew what to do and we quickly helped her abort the fitting. We rushed her to another nearby clinic to get her sup. We then immediately referred her to Gleneagles KL.

Now, having the second fitting, it’s almost confirmed that this might happen again in the future, and we have to do the best we can to avoid Sara getting a fever in the first place. One of those things is stop sending her to her babysitter (nurseries are notorious for making kids sick. Perhaps the sickness jumps from one kid to another and becomes a vicious cycle).

Usually, babies can adapt with changes. But in Sara’s case, I think she couldn’t accept to stay with the babysitter. So, she becomes unhappy and then that makes her sick. So, before the stress starts to affect her mental development, it becomes an urgent decision that has to be made. So we moved back to Shah Alam the night she was discharged.  I admit, sending her to the babysitter was the worst decision for Sara, but I didn’t know that then (nothing wrong with the babysitter, it’s just Sara who’s unable to adapt). I’m just glad we realized this early.

That means, now I have to commute a painful trip from Shah Alam to KL.

Painful, indeed. But that’s a mother’s sacrifice.  Now, my new daily routine is cursing how KTM sucks monkeyballs. It is so bad, it needs its own post.

Oct 10 2014

My First Letter To My 18y.o. Daughter

My husband came up with this brilliant idea to create an email account for Sara. We will give her the password to her account when she turns 18. It feels like a time machine! and my husband has always wanted to build one.

We will send her love letters, pictures, tips and anything we could think of so that she will know what happened when she was still a baby. I have no idea how often we will do it, but it I hope she will read each and every single one of them. I hope we won’t go spammy! We can be kinda obsessed to her. LOL

Well, here’s my first letter to her.

Dear Sara, 

I hope this email finds you well.  and oh, Happy 18th Birthday!
 
Today is 10th October 2014 and it’s my second day of work, and also your second day with your babysitter. You’ve always been with me since the day you were born. I’ve always cared for you and I was there for all your needs. Now, leaving you with someone else’s care for work is a hard thing to do. 
 
Yesterday, I didn’t feel anything much cry except worrying that you won’t take your milk. and you didn’t. It really broke my heart. Luckily, you were not a big crier so it was a good relief. That evening, you smothered me with your hugs and kisses, and so did I. You had so much love. It was so beautiful.
 
However, today, as I handed you over, you cried hysterically. You knew that you wouldn’t spend your day with me. It saddened me to have to leave you but it is what life is. Sorry that you had to learn that early on. 
 
Sara, we have such high hopes for you. I wish that you will be a good human being, doing good, being a wonderful servant of Allah, and being happy girl. That is all we want for you.
 
I love you so much and I miss you. 
 
Love, 
Mama 

 

Sep 30 2014

Being Young and Embracing Motherhood

Ever since I got pregnant, I haven’t been quite myself. I thought it would be over when I give birth, but no. If anything, I’m drifting even further than myself.

Sara is now almost 11months this end of month. She started walking today. I mean, really walking. From a corner to a corner, from room to room. Although she falls sometimes (her tiny legs get tired fast), but I can say she’s officially walking now.

I’m so proud of her.

And I also realize that it has been 19 months since I started feeling off. I realize that I haven’t been embracing motherhood.

All these drama of me loosing myself is because I haven’t been embracing motherhood. Right from the beginning, when I got pregnant.

Pregnancy was an emotional roller coaster. Often I found myself blaming my unborn child, blaming my pregnancy. I was unable to connect with her. However, as soon as she was born, it was a love at first sight. I wanted to devote my life for her. To care for her, nurture her, give her the best I can, give her the best chance.

Now, being a mom, I also found myself still unable to embrace motherhood. Always comparing myself to my commitment-free friends, I feel old and dated. I found myself living in a fantasy. Everytime I sit still breastfeeding Sara, my mind wanders off to my fantasy land where I live in my perfect world, looking forward to find that happiness and joy that I so much seek. Sometimes it includes Sara, sometimes not.

Being able to provide Sara with the best, being able to afford things that I want. Travel the world. Dress like a model everyday and blog about it. Being able to sketch while sipping my coffee in an old city. It was MY perfect idea of happiness.

In reality, I can’t always afford to give Sara the best, I can’t always afford clothes, handbags, shoes, my dream babywearing gears and cutest cloth diaper prints. Travelling with a baby is a whole new adventure of its own. Sipping coffee is out of the window. I had to gulp my coffee and get it over with.

The thing is, for the past 19months, I have been missing the point. Nothing is ever going to change if I don’t accept one thing. Happiness is right here. It is what is surrounding me. It is what I have. It is Sara NOW. Not when-Sara-stops-breastfeeding. Not when Sara is finally sleeping through the night. Currently she’s wakes up every 2hours (at most!) during the night. KILL ME. See, I’m being negative again.

Happiness is the little things. When Sara gives me her sweet precious hugs and kisses. When she glances over me for approval. When she smiles after a satisfying feed.

*tears*

Today, Sara started walking. I was too busy being desperate for fantasy to turn into my real life that I missed out on that moment. I have missed out many moments. Moments that are just too short, too precious to even grab for a camera.

I have to embrace motherhood. Accept that I am now a mom, and despite the ups and downs in life, I will always. be. a. mom to my child. It’s a process. and any progress is a good progress.

Because one day, who knows.

Sara is not going to be a baby for long. She’ll be 11 months soon and she’s now walking. Where did that 11 months go?? Next thing I know she doesn’t want to be carried anymore. She’ll want to walk on her own. Her hugs and kisses will be hard to come by. She’ll want her own room. Her own space. At that time, I bet a million bucks that I will cherish this moment. It is just too short.

saraedwin-newborn

 

Sara, about a week young.

p.s, not entirely unrelated: currently obsessed and dreaming about woven wraps. Especially Kokadi and Lenny Lamb wraps. So pwetty. Babywearing keeps me sane. oh…

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