Hi, my name is Aisyah Rozi. This is my personal blog where I share my life experience, thoughts, ideas and occasionally, my projects. Recently, however, I share a lot about being a young mother. I'm also a YouTuber, so do checkout my channel! <3
Jan 05 2017

Hello 2017! A reflection on 2016, and moving forward. 

Happy New Year!!

Gone are the days where I would be so excited to celebrate on new year’s eve. Going to dataran to watch fireworks and welcoming the new year. Amira was sick during the new year’s eve so the weekend was spent caring for a fussy baby.

2016 was the toughest year in my life. Being a mother, of two on its own is already a challenge. I am so blessed that my daughters are healthy and normal. So I would say, as much as I feel that motherhood is tough, there is always a mother who had it worse. However, it doesn’t make my struggles invalid.

2016 was about my inner struggles. My denials about the reality. I hardly wanted kids, but I am so blessed with not one, but two beautiful daughters. I kept thinking about couples who want kids so badly but years went by without two lines on the pee stick. Sometimes I felt life is unfair. I felt the universe is unfair.

For almost a year I struggled. Finding my own lost soul. Lost in amidst of breastfeeding, making baby food, stepping on random toys on the floor, endless laundry and trouble focusing. There are so many little things that needed my attention. Little clothes that need to be washed. Little bags need to be packed. Little things to bring to outings. Little people to manage. Screaming little people to manage. Even simple tasks were daunting.

amira-baby-gili-trawangan

They say life with children is fulfilling. They say everything is worth it.

But what if, at the end of the day, that is not true for me? All that time, energy, my body… *sigh*

Bliss is having my time for me. Bliss is having my body for my own. Not attached to ugly nursing clothes because they are practical for the baby.

I felt like I was in a dark room where nobody understood how I felt. I was trapped and life just went on without me. Everything were so blurry and I couldn’t recall many things. Conversations were bland. Sometimes I would scream my lungs out when I’m alone because I couldn’t bear the feelings.

I felt sorry for my kids because their mother is barely capable. Their mother hated things she had to do for the kids. Packing their bags, breastfeeding, making their food. Everything was done out of a job without love. It was painful as the job is not paid. No reward to enjoy. No bonus. No gratitude. Worst employment ever, and there was no quitting. It felt like a life sentence. Yet, I still worry if it would negatively impact their growth.

Well, because I do love them. Complicated much?

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Then came November. Somehow things started to get better. We got a maid to help out with laundry. I was actually able to pull myself out of the bed and face my day. I started eating well. I paid the parking. I was not late to office. I started getting a clearer head. Suddenly, Amira is entertaining and Sara is ever so sweet and lovely. I went on outings with husband without the kids.

white-water-rafting-gopeng0101

In December, I started to genuinely enjoy the kids. I was kinder to my husband. I went on several marathons. I was fired up to join more marathons in the future. I still couldn’t find the time to exercise, baby steps.  I felt the life in me. I feel inspired to get into my hobby, which was sewing. I wanted to make something.

Looking back in 2016, there was nothing much that I have accomplished. Other than, I now have 2 years experience as an architectural assistant. With all that happened, I still believe that in the end, it is to teach me a lesson. Maybe I won’t learn anything had life went exactly how I wanted. Maybe this is what I need? I’m still waiting for that silver lining even if it’s staring right at me and I didn’t know it. I have to have faith, otherwise, then, what is the point of everything?

One of the biggest lesson in 2016? To live life without regrets. Learning the true meaning of regrets is even more painful than to let it go. It is a process, and I am trying inshaAllah with a lot of prayers.

2017 seems brighter. I am so looking for it. I have plans and already on the way to it, inshaAllah. Please pray for me.

 

 

 

Dec 02 2016

Tips Kurus Tanpa Diet Pt. 1

Semalam saya tanya di facebook cara nak slim tanpa diet. Ramai juga yang berminat nak tahu rupanya.

Saya cerita ringkas dulu ye, banyak ilmu ‘diet’ hack ni sebenarnya. Pertamanya kena ubah mentaliti. Jangan diet! Sebaliknya, kita ubah cara hidup & pemakanan kita.

Mentaliti pula, kena kental sebab kita nak sihat. Bila kita dah selalu makan makanan sihat, kita makan benda yang tak sihat, kita akan rasa ‘disgusted’.

1. Fahami konsep KALORI.

scale_caloric_balance

Cuba google sikit pasal kalori intake ni. Fahami concept input vs output. Input mestilah bersesuaian dengan ‘daily caloric needs’. Kalau calorie needs kita iala

h 1200kcal sehari, hanya makan 1200kcal (atau -200 untuk kurangkan berat badan). Pada hari yang u exercise, makan 1200kcal.

Jangan kurangkan makan sangat, nanti badan kita akan shock dan boleh sebabkan adverse effects. So, rajin-rajinlah kenali kalori makanan anda.

2. KURANGKAN GULA.

4 5 Foods and Drinks That Shouldnt Be Eaten for Breakfast Sugar Laden Cereal

Gula ialah shaitonnnn dalam makanan, terutama makanan yang tinggi glycemic index (GI). Air gula seperti juice, air soda is absolutely FORBIDDEN. Nada!

Pilih makanan yang rendah GI. Kalau nak guna manisan seperti gula melaka, honey, molases, maple syrup.

Simple carbs pun elakkan. Ini termasuklah roti putih, nasi putih, roti canai. Makan: roti wholemeal/ wholewheat, capati, beras perang.

Nak elakkan hidden sugar? Makan makanan yang natural. Avoid processed foods.

3. Pantang DEEP FRIED FOOD.
deep-fried-food

Ini makanan yang digoreng dengan minyak yang banyak.Banyangkanlah makanan tu akan serap minyak-minyak tu semua. Senang-senang je tambah lemak dalam badan kita. Ayam goreng, pisang goreng, keropok, donut. No- Elakkan makan.

Memangla nampak sodap kan ayam KFC tu, tapi percayalah, bila dah lama sangat tak makan makanan goreng, sekali bila makan balik, perut jadi tak selesa. 

So, kalau pagi-pagi keje makan donut tu, silalah ubah ok.

4. Jaga portion, makan makanan seimbang.webmd_photo_of_healthy_portions_on_plate


The size of our fist is a good indication of our correct portion. Nasi ke, daging ke, ikut size penumbuk sendiri. Banyakkan sayur/fibre.

5.  Eat small 5 meals a day. (3 main meals 2 snacks)

20150408144705-90-minute-morning-routine-workday-more-productive-healthy-breakfast-cereal-fruit-smoothie
Maksudnya, 3 kali makanan utama dengan 2x snek. Makanan utama tu jangan la besar gunung nau. Ikut portion tu. In-between meals, kalau lapar cari snek yang berkhasiat. Raw nuts (segenggam sahaja), fruits, kurma, healthy smoothies. Boleh je.

Lagipun, bila kita tak terlalu lapar, takdelah kita nak melahap makan kan. Jangan sekali-kali skip meals, kekerapan makan sangat penting untuk maintain metabolisme rate ok.

Ibu menyusu: Boleh ikut tips di atas, tapi kalau asyik lapar, snek tu boleh dilebihkan sikit. Contoh, 2 biji apple/ 2 biji mangga. Rajinkan minum air ye. Kalau tengah malam lapar, sediakan buah Apple / raw nuts dalam bilik. Jangan turun ke dapur buat maggi tengah malam. huhu

Ok, itu sahaja buat masa ni. Cuba dulu tips ni dan rasakan perubahan dalam masa seminggu, inshaAllah. Mula-mula mungkin agak sukar, lama-lama akan jadi kebiasaan, tak rasa apa pun. Ada soalan?

Ini semua basic je. Banyak lagi tips/hack ni. Contohnya, macammana nak include dalam daily life yang demanding ni? Ada yang berminat nak tahu ke?

 

 

Nov 19 2016

Bahagian Masing-masing. 

Ada orang, bertahun-tahun kahwin tapi belum dapat anak. Teringin sangat-sangat. Tapi rezeki hartanya, MashaAllah! 

Ada orang, anaknya ramai, tapi hartanya kurang sedikit. Harta cukup-cukup kalau tidak kurang. Anaknya baik-baik, rajin belajar.  

Ada orang, hartanya mewah. Dapat anak beberapa, tapi ada yang tidak sempurna. Ada yang downsyndrome, autistic, berpenyakit kronik. Hari-hari sungguh mencabar, kesabaran sangatlah tinggi.  

Ada orang, kahwin muda, dapat anak comel-comel, sempurna. Suami baik. Kewangan ok. Tapi ibu pula konflik kerana kurang matang untuk menjadi ibu sehinga anak-anak menjadi mangsa amarah dan sedih ibu. Nak kejar ‘freedom’, nak kejar karier. 

Ada orang, isterinya cantik, anak2 comel sempurna, masalah kewangan pun tak ada tapi suami pula bermain kayu tiga.

Ada orang, suami-isteri loving. Anak comel-comel. Rezeki duit mencurah-curah. Sempurna semua. Tapi keluarga berpecah-belah.  

Nampak tak point disini? 

Point saya, belajar bersyukur. Jangan tengok apa yang kita tak ada, tengok apa yang kita ada. 

Sesuatu yang masih saya belajar. At 26, I have 2 beautiful children that I feel grateful for, but it’s not easy to beat the demon inside of me. The demon that longs for freedom and chasing worldly matters. To beat the demon that thinks my kids are obstacles to my life and dreams. One fine day, I will beat that demon but for now, I will keep fighting. 

How? By being grateful. Everyday.

Oct 07 2016

Sometimes I do fantasize…

11.30pm

Both kids are still awake. Sara is still very active. Playing and doing her gymnastics on the bed. Amira is wide awake because she ‘napped’ half and hour earlier. Ok, she didn’t nap, she went to bed but Sara’s excitement woke her up.

I was feeling defeated. I was tired. All I wanted to do was to relax and have a good sleep for a productive day tomorrow.

But I couldn’t.

So I pretended to sleep on the bed while the kids were busy exploring their physical capabilities. Amira was climbing on me to try to stand up. Sara was rolling over my legs.

Bloody. Hell.

I don’t care, I want to sleep.

So I tried, but I couldn’t. I was starting to get really annoyed they took MY time. Instead of yelling at them, I decided to give myself a therapy. So I closed my eyes and fantasized.

I fantasized myself living in a parallel universe where I never had kids. Where when I was 23, I was mature enough not to be pressured by my mom to have kids. Where I was sane enough not to think I could handle kids. Where I knew that having kids won’t change someone who is not a baby person.  That I wish I knew, how having kids could rob you of your freedom because your mom always said that you can still do whatever u want despite having kids.

What a bunch of bull.

Then I fantasized about how my life would have been had I never had kids. I long for days where I can actually relax after a long hard day at work. I can do the chores in one hour, and then have another 2 hours to myself before going to bed. The bliss of not having to worry about an actual person’s volatile emotional state (such as of a toddler). These thoughts are dangerous as it can stem into wishful thinking..

Suddenly,  as I lay on the bed. Amira climbed on me and kissed me with her messy saliva. Sweet, and gross at the same time. and I said, “Amira, stop kissing me, get off me.” Then, Sara came over and said, “I want to kiss you, mama”.

“No, Sara, don’t kiss me.” I said. I just wanted to be left alone.

Mama taknak kawan Sara ke?” She asked.

Bukan mama taknak kawan, mama taknak kiss” I explained.

Ala… bolehlah kiss… Sara nak kiss mama”

hmm ok

OK!” she said excitedly. She hurriedly kissed me.

I felt butterfly in my tummy. I felt a light in my dark heart, for a brief moment.

12:30 AM. Kids are finally asleep but I found myself still awake. I have made a promise to myself not to feed on negativity, but on some days it is very very hard. I have also pledged to myself to pray more. Seems like everything else is too ‘wordly’ of a matter.

I distracted myself with iPad entertainment until I was sleepy again  and went to bed. Well, here’s to another day to survive.

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