Hi, my name is Aisyah Rozi, founder of Imansara.com & webdesigner at Laman7. This is my personal blog where I share my life experience, thoughts, ideas and occasionally, my projects. My passion is designing, sketching and sewing. I'm 24, a babywearing, cloth diapering mama of Sara.
Oct 10 2014

My First Letter To My 18y.o. Daughter

My husband came up with this brilliant idea to create an email account for Sara. We will give her the password to her account when she turns 18. It feels like a time machine! and my husband has always wanted to build one.

We will send her love letters, pictures, tips and anything we could think of so that she will know what happened when she was still a baby. I have no idea how often we will do it, but it I hope she will read each and every single one of them. I hope we won’t go spammy! We can be kinda obsessed to her. LOL

Well, here’s my first letter to her.

Dear Sara, 

I hope this email finds you well.  and oh, Happy 18th Birthday!
 
Today is 10th October 2014 and it’s my second day of work, and also your second day with your babysitter. You’ve always been with me since the day you were born. I’ve always cared for you and I was there for all your needs. Now, leaving you with someone else’s care for work is a hard thing to do. 
 
Yesterday, I didn’t feel anything much cry except worrying that you won’t take your milk. and you didn’t. It really broke my heart. Luckily, you were not a big crier so it was a good relief. That evening, you smothered me with your hugs and kisses, and so did I. You had so much love. It was so beautiful.
 
However, today, as I handed you over, you cried hysterically. You knew that you wouldn’t spend your day with me. It saddened me to have to leave you but it is what life is. Sorry that you had to learn that early on. 
 
Sara, we have such high hopes for you. I wish that you will be a good human being, doing good, being a wonderful servant of Allah, and being happy girl. That is all we want for you.
 
I love you so much and I miss you. 
 
Love, 
Mama 

 

Sep 30 2014

Being Young and Embracing Motherhood

Ever since I got pregnant, I haven’t been quite myself. I thought it would be over when I give birth, but no. If anything, I’m drifting even further than myself.

Sara is now almost 11months this end of month. She started walking today. I mean, really walking. From a corner to a corner, from room to room. Although she falls sometimes (her tiny legs get tired fast), but I can say she’s officially walking now.

I’m so proud of her.

And I also realize that it has been 19 months since I started feeling off. I realize that I haven’t been embracing motherhood.

All these drama of me loosing myself is because I haven’t been embracing motherhood. Right from the beginning, when I got pregnant.

Pregnancy was an emotional roller coaster. Often I found myself blaming my unborn child, blaming my pregnancy. I was unable to connect with her. However, as soon as she was born, it was a love at first sight. I wanted to devote my life for her. To care for her, nurture her, give her the best I can, give her the best chance.

Now, being a mom, I also found myself still unable to embrace motherhood. Always comparing myself to my commitment-free friends, I feel old and dated. I found myself living in a fantasy. Everytime I sit still breastfeeding Sara, my mind wanders off to my fantasy land where I live in my perfect world, looking forward to find that happiness and joy that I so much seek. Sometimes it includes Sara, sometimes not.

Being able to provide Sara with the best, being able to afford things that I want. Travel the world. Dress like a model everyday and blog about it. Being able to sketch while sipping my coffee in an old city. It was MY perfect idea of happiness.

In reality, I can’t always afford to give Sara the best, I can’t always afford clothes, handbags, shoes, my dream babywearing gears and cutest cloth diaper prints. Travelling with a baby is a whole new adventure of its own. Sipping coffee is out of the window. I had to gulp my coffee and get it over with.

The thing is, for the past 19months, I have been missing the point. Nothing is ever going to change if I don’t accept one thing. Happiness is right here. It is what is surrounding me. It is what I have. It is Sara NOW. Not when-Sara-stops-breastfeeding. Not when Sara is finally sleeping through the night. Currently she’s wakes up every 2hours (at most!) during the night. KILL ME. See, I’m being negative again.

Happiness is the little things. When Sara gives me her sweet precious hugs and kisses. When she glances over me for approval. When she smiles after a satisfying feed.

*tears*

Today, Sara started walking. I was too busy being desperate for fantasy to turn into my real life that I missed out on that moment. I have missed out many moments. Moments that are just too short, too precious to even grab for a camera.

I have to embrace motherhood. Accept that I am now a mom, and despite the ups and downs in life, I will always. be. a. mom to my child. It’s a process. and any progress is a good progress.

Because one day, who knows.

Sara is not going to be a baby for long. She’ll be 11 months soon and she’s now walking. Where did that 11 months go?? Next thing I know she doesn’t want to be carried anymore. She’ll want to walk on her own. Her hugs and kisses will be hard to come by. She’ll want her own room. Her own space. At that time, I bet a million bucks that I will cherish this moment. It is just too short.

saraedwin-newborn

 

Sara, about a week young.

p.s, not entirely unrelated: currently obsessed and dreaming about woven wraps. Especially Kokadi and Lenny Lamb wraps. So pwetty. Babywearing keeps me sane. oh…

Sep 23 2014

Moms need her mojo, too.

Having a baby, I find that it is easy to lose myself. I found an article by Pinky on Loosing yourself to motherhood and alhamdulillah, I’m relieved. The article is a proof that what I’m feeling is normal and I’m not alone. Honestly, I thought I was going crazy because I have …lost myself to motherhood.

My daily life now revolves around Sara. When I’m not breastfeeding, or putting her to sleep, I’m feeding her, chasing after her (she’s mobile now, crawling FAST) or catching her when she falls.

I don’t eat healthy foods, I eat leftovers and whatever I can grab with little time I have. I gulp (not sip) my coffee. I have shower in 10 minutes. I procrastinate peeing so many times that I caught UTI (urinary tract infection). I don’t exercise, which was something I used (and love) to do. Cleaning is a speedy, speedy thing, if I manage to do it.

and that, with ONE baby. An active, smart and curious one at that.

Yes, unfortunately I’m not one of those moms who feel amazinggg after they had a baby. I was overwhelmed and I had so many anxiety. I was unhappy a lot. I felt like my ‘freedom’ had just been robbed from me. However, I realize that is a very selfish thought and it is something I have to turn around.

To get mommy mojo back, Pinky highlighted several points:

1. Carving out ‘Me’ time

Carving out ‘me’ time can be a tricky one. I feel like I had to steal time just to have my morning shower or it will be pushed back to noon! I guess I need to talk to my husband so that he can take Sara for a few hours while I do my thing. Alone, uninterrupted. Although… I have no idea when that would be possible.

2. Schedule one activity a week

Hmm, gym perhaps? Or a run around the block. I can try.  Ideally, I want something more challenging such as rock climbing or Skytrex challenge. But hey, baby steps yo.

3. Meet up with a friend who also has kids

Being a young mom has it’s downside. Most of my friends are still UNMARRIED. Yes, I’m THAT young. I feel so lonely because I don’t know many other moms and I can’t vent out my mommy problem to my single friends, they wouldn’t understand. I know, because I’ve been single, and I was  oblivious of babies, and this whole mommy world.

However, I have a few mommy friend and this certainly can be done.

4. Start a gratitude list

Sara is amazing. MashaAllah.  Motherhood can be very exhausting but also highly rewarding. I’m always happy to see her smile, to see her reach her milestone development. Whenever she gives me a kiss, a hug or call me ‘mama’, she makes my heart feel warm. In a lot of ways, she has changed me. She made me a less selfish person (I was a very very, self centered person, I admit), she made me more warm (I used to hate kids).

Oh, also, babywearing also helps me to feel happy. It allows me to carry Sara and have my hands free. Love love love. It’s my favourite part of motherhood. And I loveeee cute prints on cloth diapers.

Alhamdulillah, I got pregnant really fast after we decided to try for a baby. Maybe Allah knew if I didn’t get pregnant then, I might have changed my mind and delayed having a baby. Allah knows best.

Alhamdulillah, thank you Allah for Sara.

Husband - I have a wonderful responsible, supportive husband who is not afraid to help change Sara’s diaper. (and we are CD-ing!) He’s not afraid to wash the dishes, help clean the room, wash the toilet, organize the room. He might not be romantic (because he’s more of a logical person) but he is sensitive to my feelings. Sometimes he feels like a best friend to me. We love travelling and having our little adventures together. Whether it’s a city adventure in busy city of Bangkok or Camping in Great Ocean Road, Melbourne. Love love love.

Family - I have a great family, who always supports me. Especially my mom, although we bicker sometimes (because I’m such a hardheaded) but I know she means nothing but good intention to me.  Alhamdulillah.

4. Ditch the stereotypes of a ‘good mother

I think the only person who set the stereotype is the mother herself. It’s easy to feel like a bad mother when someone points out something at what you’re doing. You are the only one who knows your child. And there’s no such thing as a super mom. All moms are a super mom when they raise a healthy child.

All in all, I’m okay. I just need to chill, breathe and keep being positive. No matter how many times I wake up at night, how thick my eye bags are, or how much I’m breaking out (due to bad sleep and unhealthy diet) I. need. to. stay. positive.

And keep praying things will get easier.

 

 

Aug 15 2014

Getting myself back

I had so much to write about. However, during Ramadhan my schedule was so packed and breastfeeding during fasting had made me so exhausted, I had to take naps everyday. Then, after Eid, she fell sick and you know how tiring it is to take care of a sick baby.

Alhamdulillah, she’s all well now. Except for some remnant of coughs.

Being a mother is the hardest thing I’ve ever done. Sometimes I feel like I’ve hit a rock bottom. I don’t know where to go, what to do. All I have to do now is take care of Sara. Make sure she’s fed, make sure she’s changed, get her naps, get a good playtime, and oh the list goes on.

With the little time I have left, I have to cook for her, wash the dirty diapers and clothes, do work. And if I’m lucky, I get to have extra time to clean up the room. Otherwise, cleaning up has to wait till weekend.

This is on good days. On less than good days, I’ll be running up and down the house with Sara on my arms, figuring out whether she wants to sleep, nenen, eat or changed. Sometimes I can’t even figure it out.

Then, I look at Sara. MashaAllah, she’s already 9 months and 1 week. Yet, the state of my emotions still feel like 8.5months ago when I was in confinement. Fuzzy, emotional, unstable, overwhelmed, full of fear. After I’ve given birth, I don’t feel quite the same anymore. Sure, I have a child now so that’s totally the reason why. but no, I just don’t feel like myself. I don’t know who I am. and that… is one of the worst feeling. If I could travel back 2 years ago, I would be asking myself, who have I become now?

I feel like I’ve lost function to this world.

Except to take care of Sara.

Is that it? Am I just nothing to this world? Am I doing anything to change, or even play a role in this fast paced world?

There are so many tough challenges being a young mother. While all my girl friends are out having fun, wearing nice clothes, yet I’m home with a baby. Or, when I’m out, I’m wearing my little collection of nursing-friendly clothes with my nursing BRAS. (Nursing bras are horrible looking yet expensive). Here I am, with a baby in my arms, wearing just a tiny bit of eyeliner, clumsily done because getting ready in an hour with a baby is just a miracle. I need two hours if my husband is not around.

I’ve poured my heart out to my husband. He’s doing a lovely job to encourage me to get back on my feet, do something to change. Yet, I keep going back to this same feeling, like a viscous cycle that’s eating me alive, slowly.

Then, I read a blog entry about finding happiness by a dear friend of mine, Zayana Yusof on being happy.

MashaAllah.

It was just what I needed. She just summed it up. I need to stop feeling self pity (because I have a kid, what?!) and get up on my feet. I need to take a break. Get myself busy for work, send Sara to a babysitter and just take a break. When I say, take a break, I mean, get out of routine.

Like how my husband advised, I may not know what I want to do, but atleast I should do whatever that I CAN do. and, just do what I NEED to do.

and I need to get myself back.

and oh, Happy 24th Birthday, Aisyah.

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