Ever since I got pregnant, I haven’t been quite myself. I thought it would be over when I give birth, but no. If anything, I’m drifting even further than myself.

Sara is now almost 11months this end of month. She started walking today. I mean, really walking. From a corner to a corner, from room to room. Although she falls sometimes (her tiny legs get tired fast), but I can say she’s officially walking now.

I’m so proud of her.

And I also realize that it has been 19 months since I started feeling off. I realize that I haven’t been embracing motherhood.

All these drama of me loosing myself is because I haven’t been embracing motherhood. Right from the beginning, when I got pregnant.

Pregnancy was an emotional roller coaster. Often I found myself blaming my unborn child, blaming my pregnancy. I was unable to connect with her. However, as soon as she was born, it was a love at first sight. I wanted to devote my life for her. To care for her, nurture her, give her the best I can, give her the best chance.

Now, being a mom, I also found myself still unable to embrace motherhood. Always comparing myself to my commitment-free friends, I feel old and dated. I found myself living in a fantasy. Everytime I sit still breastfeeding Sara, my mind wanders off to my fantasy land where I live in my perfect world, looking forward to find that happiness and joy that I so much seek. Sometimes it includes Sara, sometimes not.

Being able to provide Sara with the best, being able to afford things that I want. Travel the world. Dress like a model everyday and blog about it. Being able to sketch while sipping my coffee in an old city. It was MY perfect idea of happiness.

In reality, I can’t always afford to give Sara the best, I can’t always afford clothes, handbags, shoes, my dream babywearing gears and cutest cloth diaper prints. Travelling with a baby is a whole new adventure of its own. Sipping coffee is out of the window. I had to gulp my coffee and get it over with.

The thing is, for the past 19months, I have been missing the point. Nothing is ever going to change if I don’t accept one thing. Happiness is right here. It is what is surrounding me. It is what I have. It is Sara NOW. Not when-Sara-stops-breastfeeding. Not when Sara is finally sleeping through the night. Currently she’s wakes up every 2hours (at most!) during the night. KILL ME. See, I’m being negative again.

Happiness is the little things. When Sara gives me her sweet precious hugs and kisses. When she glances over me for approval. When she smiles after a satisfying feed.

*tears*

Today, Sara started walking. I was too busy being desperate for fantasy to turn into my real life that I missed out on that moment. I have missed out many moments. Moments that are just too short, too precious to even grab for a camera.

I have to embrace motherhood. Accept that I am now a mom, and despite the ups and downs in life, I will always. be. a. mom to my child. It’s a process. and any progress is a good progress.

Because one day, who knows.

Sara is not going to be a baby for long. She’ll be 11 months soon and she’s now walking. Where did that 11 months go?? Next thing I know she doesn’t want to be carried anymore. She’ll want to walk on her own. Her hugs and kisses will be hard to come by. She’ll want her own room. Her own space. At that time, I bet a million bucks that I will cherish this moment. It is just too short.

Sara, about a week young.

p.s, not entirely unrelated: currently obsessed and dreaming about woven wraps. Especially Kokadi and Lenny Lamb wraps. So pwetty. Babywearing keeps me sane. oh…

Having a baby, I find that it is easy to lose myself. I found an article by Pinky on Loosing yourself to motherhood and alhamdulillah, I’m relieved. The article is a proof that what I’m feeling is normal and I’m not alone. Honestly, I thought I was going crazy because I have …lost myself to motherhood.

My daily life now revolves around Sara. When I’m not breastfeeding, or putting her to sleep, I’m feeding her, chasing after her (she’s mobile now, crawling FAST) or catching her when she falls.

I don’t eat healthy foods, I eat leftovers and whatever I can grab with little time I have. I gulp (not sip) my coffee. I have shower in 10 minutes. I procrastinate peeing so many times that I caught UTI (urinary tract infection). I don’t exercise, which was something I used (and love) to do. Cleaning is a speedy, speedy thing, if I manage to do it.

and that, with ONE baby. An active, smart and curious one at that.

Yes, unfortunately I’m not one of those moms who feel amazinggg after they had a baby. I was overwhelmed and I had so many anxiety. I was unhappy a lot. I felt like my ‘freedom’ had just been robbed from me. However, I realize that is a very selfish thought and it is something I have to turn around.

To get mommy mojo back, Pinky highlighted several points:

1. Carving out ‘Me’ time

Carving out ‘me’ time can be a tricky one. I feel like I had to steal time just to have my morning shower or it will be pushed back to noon! I guess I need to talk to my husband so that he can take Sara for a few hours while I do my thing. Alone, uninterrupted. Although… I have no idea when that would be possible.

2. Schedule one activity a week

Hmm, gym perhaps? Or a run around the block. I can try.  Ideally, I want something more challenging such as rock climbing or Skytrex challenge. But hey, baby steps yo.

3. Meet up with a friend who also has kids

Being a young mom has it’s downside. Most of my friends are still UNMARRIED. Yes, I’m THAT young. I feel so lonely because I don’t know many other moms and I can’t vent out my mommy problem to my single friends, they wouldn’t understand. I know, because I’ve been single, and I was  oblivious of babies, and this whole mommy world.

However, I have a few mommy friend and this certainly can be done.

4. Start a gratitude list

Sara is amazing. MashaAllah.  Motherhood can be very exhausting but also highly rewarding. I’m always happy to see her smile, to see her reach her milestone development. Whenever she gives me a kiss, a hug or call me ‘mama’, she makes my heart feel warm. In a lot of ways, she has changed me. She made me a less selfish person (I was a very very, self centered person, I admit), she made me more warm (I used to hate kids).

Oh, also, babywearing also helps me to feel happy. It allows me to carry Sara and have my hands free. Love love love. It’s my favourite part of motherhood. And I loveeee cute prints on cloth diapers.

Alhamdulillah, I got pregnant really fast after we decided to try for a baby. Maybe Allah knew if I didn’t get pregnant then, I might have changed my mind and delayed having a baby. Allah knows best.

Alhamdulillah, thank you Allah for Sara.

Husband – I have a wonderful responsible, supportive husband who is not afraid to help change Sara’s diaper. (and we are CD-ing!) He’s not afraid to wash the dishes, help clean the room, wash the toilet, organize the room. He might not be romantic (because he’s more of a logical person) but he is sensitive to my feelings. Sometimes he feels like a best friend to me. We love travelling and having our little adventures together. Whether it’s a city adventure in busy city of Bangkok or Camping in Great Ocean Road, Melbourne. Love love love.

Family – I have a great family, who always supports me. Especially my mom, although we bicker sometimes (because I’m such a hardheaded) but I know she means nothing but good intention to me.  Alhamdulillah.

4. Ditch the stereotypes of a ‘good mother

I think the only person who set the stereotype is the mother herself. It’s easy to feel like a bad mother when someone points out something at what you’re doing. You are the only one who knows your child. And there’s no such thing as a super mom. All moms are a super mom when they raise a healthy child.

All in all, I’m okay. I just need to chill, breathe and keep being positive. No matter how many times I wake up at night, how thick my eye bags are, or how much I’m breaking out (due to bad sleep and unhealthy diet) I. need. to. stay. positive.

And keep praying things will get easier.

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RichPlan4U is an insurance and road tax renewal company, in which you can do it online!  The good news is, they are offering 15% discount on insurance and road tax renewal until 31st March 2014! You can order them here.

Speaking of road tax, and well, vehicle. It reminds me of an embarrassing story that happened almost 12 years ago. It is so embarrassing, I had never told anyone about it, (until now!). So, be thankful that you are lucky enough to hear this, you’re welcome.

Anyway, I was in standard six, and I was at at school for a night class. That particular night, after the night class, I was waiting for my dad to pick me up. At 10pm, it was dark, cars were everywhere but all I could see was lights coming out of parent’s cars picking up their kids. As soon as I spotted my dad’s car, bingo!

I ran towards my dad’s car, pretty excited because my dad was earlier than usual. I dived into the car and said, “wow dad, you’re surprisingly early today!”

However, all I get was an awkward silence. I looked around and to my surprise, I didn’t know these people. and then it hit me, OH MY GOD, I GOT INTO A WRONG CAR! That’s not my dad! and that’s not my brother! Without saying a word, I sprung out of the car.  HAHAHAHA. Can you imagine, getting in the wrong car??

and guess what’s the worst part, the “brother” that was in the car, was a schoolmate (though I  had never talked to him) and they were also  my neighbour! Needless to say,  since  then, things were awkward  between me and him (and his dad) for the rest of my life. hahaha, there, story of my life. :p :p :p

Now, write your own entry for a chance to win an ipad Mini by SalamMedia. Visit SalamMedia to enter and win! Hurry, closing date is 20th March 2014.

As many of you know, I gave birth to Sara, on 31st October. It was an amazingly beautiful day, indeed. Sara is now 27 days, she’ll be 4 weeks tomorrow. As far as my recovery, I finally feel a lot better now.

Although my pregnancy was smooth and relatively easy than other women I know, it was really tough and challenging. If you ask me when I was pregnant, I would say being pregnant is not worth it! Yes, that sounded bad.

Then came labour. I was really terrified of labour. I was. I researched so deep so that I could be physically and mentally prepared. I practiced visualisation every day and think positively about my labour. 6 hours in labour, and it turned out to be the most painful yet the easiest thing. It went smoothly according to my visualisation, Alhamdulillah.

Now, the postpartum. It is the worst thing about having a baby. It’s a lot of pain. Contraction pains, breast and nipple pain, body aches, perineal pain, pelvic girdle pain, you name it. My recovery was slow and I was in 3 weeks of agony. I cried so much.

The first 2 weeks, I lost hope that I will ever recover. I guess it was the baby blues talking. Came the third week, I started feeling more sane, and tried to think positively about my recovery. Soon, I started to see improvements. Talk about mind over matter!

Now that my baby blues are completely gone, I’m starting to enjoy taking care of Sara. It used to feel like a chore, perhaps it was all those pain I was feeling. I love waking up in the morning to Sara. She’s the best thing that’s ever happened to me. To us.

I can never forget the first time she was thrown onto my chest right after she came out. Yes, thrown is the exact word. I looked at her and I did not know what was this moving thing that just came out of me. She looked so pale and grey. Guess  I was still fuzzy from the labour. Then, she was taken away, the nurse put a blanket on and swaddled her. Soon she was given back to me while the doctor sutured my perineal tear.

I looked at her and her eyes were wide open glancing back and forth between me, Eddie and the surrounding. She looked like she was trying to understand where she was and what was she seeing (although she probably couldn’t see anything clearly then).

Immediately, I fell in love with her. I was shedding tears of joy. I’m  truly happy that she came into this world. She’s so perfect and beautiful. I had never been so thankful in my life before. Everyday, since she was born, I thank Allah for this gift. I feel so blessed for having her.

Sara, a few hours after she was born.

9 days old

21 days old

If you ask me now, she is definitely worth it. It was worth all the pain, agony and not to mention, all those emotional roller coaster. Truly, she is a gift. And she’s my personal achievement.

P.s, Read my husband’s story on my labour.

P.p.s, I will write about labour and postpartum recovery soon.