Ramadhan is the most holy month for Muslims and is the month where Muslims all around the world try their best to be better Muslims. Ramadhan is sweet and it’s special. However, it can also pose many challenges of different kinds to most people. One of it is maintaining patience in amidst of hunger. For me, the real test of patience is with the kids.

One of the struggle is meal time. Meal time can be a battle zone with kids, no joke. All the negotiations, and the cleaning up, IT’S HELL. And you know, during fasting month the negotiations are harder because you can’t eat to prove to them that the food is delicious.  and of course, that whole monkey-see-monkey-do situation as well.

What’s the worst thing, though? The wastage, because I can’t eat their leftover! Oh, the heartache to throw away good food.

Sara is a really picky eater. A lot of negotiations come into play just to make her eat. Sometimes, I don’t have the energy to negotiate, and let her starve until she cries for food. Although, that’s not actually helpful because it can happen at very inconvenient time. Also, I need to feed Amira too, so it’s just easier to feed them both, in terms of cleaning work.

Oh, speaking of Amira.

She likes to eat. Sort of. But here’s the thing, she’s one year and a half, and ever since she was like 11months old, she only wanted to feed herself. Yeah, sounds good right? It helps with her motor skills whatever, but you know, I am soooo tired of cleaning up the mess! But she won’t have it any other way. It’s either she won’t eat or she feeds herself. Clever little b-.

So yeah, don’t even get started with just how embarrassed I feel every time we leave a restaurant. The table and the floor is always a mess! Oh god.

Do you see what I’m dealing with?

There you go, the unglamorous life of a mom. It’s so easy to see on instagram and think that people’s life is perfect, but behind those cute pictures, there is this that people never really see. But you know what, my motto is, “pick your battle”.  On days where I don’t feel like negotiating, I just leave some biscuits accessible to them, and let them fend for themselves whenever. Let them starve until they are crying for food. Even if it means lunch is at 3pm.

And when they are sooo hungry, they would eat more with little negotiations. That, my friends, is victory.

Amira fell asleep on the baby chair right before lunch was served

Breastfeeding is an emotional journey. Your body is not yours and clothing choices are limited to ones with nursing access. Your baby is your timer.

Although my milk supply is low, Amira still won’t accept any type of formula milk from the bottle. After 7 months I stopped expressing milk at work as it was too challenging. I was hoping my milk supply would deminish due to lack of demand, but 5 months later I still find Amira attached to my breasts with no signs of weaning off. *sigh*

To me, it’s unbearable, I so desperately want to wean her off. I’ve tried many things to wean her but all were unsuccessful attempts. If anything, it made her even more upset and it feels like it gets harder every time.

I am so frustrated because while I was pregnant I told her to be the kind of baby who doesn’t care what kind of milk to eat. But noooo she did not turn up that way. Now I’m convinced all those pregnancy talk is a bunch of bullshit people tell you to make you feel better and get through pregnancy. One of many, many parenting scams. Aha!

Anyway.. As I was convinced I am in a deep shit hole (lol), I can see a little bit of hope.

On Saturday night, she woke up at around 2am. And she took a bottle of formula milk, with no fight! OMG I was so so happy. Although.. the next day, she was back to seeing the bottle as her nemesis. but yeah, I just want to cling on to the fact that she CAN but she just won’t.

Alsoo.. in addition,

A kind mother has offered to donate her extra breastmilk. Oh, I am ever so thankful!! Amira was fine taking breast milk in the bottle so I hope that she can accept it. I mean, it has been months since she took a bottle. So yesterday we met the family and they are such such wonderful people. They also have an older son which is turning 5 and Sara and him just hit it off.

I know that Amira will eventually wean off. It’s just that I feel this immense feeling of torture breastfeeding her. However, getting the donated breastmilk somehow gives me hope. Maybe I can use this to slowly transition her to accept milk in a bottle and eventually whole/formula milk.

Here’s hoping to a better (happy) future.

p.s, I’m sorry if this post seems very negative. I am in no way condemning breastfeeding as I know it is best for baby. but hey, this is a personal outlet to express my feelings. I’m pretty sure my husband had heard enough of just how much I desperately need to stop breastfeeding. So..

ok bye.

Happy New Year!!

Gone are the days where I would be so excited to celebrate on new year’s eve. Going to dataran to watch fireworks and welcoming the new year. Amira was sick during the new year’s eve so the weekend was spent caring for a fussy baby.

2016 was the toughest year in my life. Being a mother, of two on its own is already a challenge. I am so blessed that my daughters are healthy and normal. So I would say, as much as I feel that motherhood is tough, there is always a mother who had it worse. However, it doesn’t make my struggles invalid.

2016 was about my inner struggles. My denials about the reality. I hardly wanted kids, but I am so blessed with not one, but two beautiful daughters. I kept thinking about couples who want kids so badly but years went by without two lines on the pee stick. Sometimes I felt life is unfair. I felt the universe is unfair.

For almost a year I struggled. Finding my own lost soul. Lost in amidst of breastfeeding, making baby food, stepping on random toys on the floor, endless laundry and trouble focusing. There are so many little things that needed my attention. Little clothes that need to be washed. Little bags need to be packed. Little things to bring to outings. Little people to manage. Screaming little people to manage. Even simple tasks were daunting.

They say life with children is fulfilling. They say everything is worth it.

But what if, at the end of the day, that is not true for me? All that time, energy, my body… *sigh*

Bliss is having my time for me. Bliss is having my body for my own. Not attached to ugly nursing clothes because they are practical for the baby.

I felt like I was in a dark room where nobody understood how I felt. I was trapped and life just went on without me. Everything were so blurry and I couldn’t recall many things. Conversations were bland. Sometimes I would scream my lungs out when I’m alone because I couldn’t bear the feelings.

I felt sorry for my kids because their mother is barely capable. Their mother hated things she had to do for the kids. Packing their bags, breastfeeding, making their food. Everything was done out of a job without love. It was painful as the job is not paid. No reward to enjoy. No bonus. No gratitude. Worst employment ever, and there was no quitting. It felt like a life sentence. Yet, I still worry if it would negatively impact their growth.

Well, because I do love them. Complicated much?

Then came November. Somehow things started to get better. We got a maid to help out with laundry. I was actually able to pull myself out of the bed and face my day. I started eating well. I paid the parking. I was not late to office. I started getting a clearer head. Suddenly, Amira is entertaining and Sara is ever so sweet and lovely. I went on outings with husband without the kids.

In December, I started to genuinely enjoy the kids. I was kinder to my husband. I went on several marathons. I was fired up to join more marathons in the future. I still couldn’t find the time to exercise, baby steps.  I felt the life in me. I feel inspired to get into my hobby, which was sewing. I wanted to make something.

Looking back in 2016, there was nothing much that I have accomplished. Other than, I now have 2 years experience as an architectural assistant. With all that happened, I still believe that in the end, it is to teach me a lesson. Maybe I won’t learn anything had life went exactly how I wanted. Maybe this is what I need? I’m still waiting for that silver lining even if it’s staring right at me and I didn’t know it. I have to have faith, otherwise, then, what is the point of everything?

One of the biggest lesson in 2016? To live life without regrets. Learning the true meaning of regrets is even more painful than to let it go. It is a process, and I am trying inshaAllah with a lot of prayers.

2017 seems brighter. I am so looking for it. I have plans and already on the way to it, inshaAllah. Please pray for me.

Potty training sounded so intimidating for me. I have no idea how it’s going to turn out and whether I could handle it.

I knew she was capable of being potty trained months ago, but I wasn’t ready for it. I mean, it’s going to be a HARD WORK.  I put it up a long time ..until I realized the second one is arriving soon, and I don’t think I can handle potty training AND breastfeeding a baby. It just sounds like way too exhausting.

So I asked the nursery and happy to find out that they are willing to work with you, yay! Unfortunately, I have no clear understanding on HOW to do it. There are so many questions such as night time and day care. I know it’s going to be hardwork, but what if drama comes into the picture, and how do I troubleshoot it without regressing the potty training process? I know, I know, it sounds like I’m thinking too much, but to me, if I were to spend 3-4 days doing the hard, exhausting work, I might as well go all out. No problems are going to make me give up and try another time, it’s just going to be just as stressful for my daughter and me. Plus, the last thing I want is to make the process longer and tougher.

So, in search for answers, I did google around and found so many different methods to potty train. I could use treats and rewards system, or I could bring the child to the toilet every hour.

Then, I found a PT book  “Oh, Crap! Potty training!” By Jamie Glowacki and I found her method resonates to me the most. Her book made me convince to start potty training ASAP. She covered the HOW-TOs, nighttime, poop, daycare, problems along the way and the troubleshooting. Honestly, I would have trained Sara months ago if I had found the book earlier, instead of waiting to be very very pregnant AND huge.

So, how did I do it? 

For training purposes, I gave her extra fluids to drink. She gets free pass for unlimited supply of Milo, Yakult and Solivite. and I also made watermelon juice.

For now I’m only doing the daytime training although, training day and night is the best. Her naptime and bedtime trainng will be delayed until the new baby arrives when I have to get up to nurse the baby. For now, mama needs to rest for labour and get as much night time sleep as much as I can, while I can!

Now, first of all for a potty training to be successful the PARENTS have to be ready for it. If your child is 20months old, they are definitely capable. Second, don’t expect the child to be able to tell before peeing. It is something new for them to learn. They have ‘forgotten’ or unaware of the sensation of their bodily functions since they have been diapered since born. Seriously, just don’t bank on it. It is our job to learn their pee signals. With time, accidents and practice, they will be able to tell and hold longer.

Day One – Block One

We started with block one. (Blocks are just learning stages, doesn’t translate to days. One block may take anywhere from 1-3 days depending on child).

We started the day by telling her that she’s no longer wearing diapers. when I took off her diaper, she cried so hard, saying she wants to keep her diaper on. Which is funny, because most of the times we struggle to dress her up because she refuse to wear her diaper!