I had so much to write about. However, during Ramadhan my schedule was so packed and breastfeeding during fasting had made me so exhausted, I had to take naps everyday. Then, after Eid, she fell sick and you know how tiring it is to take care of a sick baby.

Alhamdulillah, she’s all well now. Except for some remnant of coughs.

Being a mother is the hardest thing I’ve ever done. Sometimes I feel like I’ve hit a rock bottom. I don’t know where to go, what to do. All I have to do now is take care of Sara. Make sure she’s fed, make sure she’s changed, get her naps, get a good playtime, and oh the list goes on.

With the little time I have left, I have to cook for her, wash the dirty diapers and clothes, do work. And if I’m lucky, I get to have extra time to clean up the room. Otherwise, cleaning up has to wait till weekend.

This is on good days. On less than good days, I’ll be running up and down the house with Sara on my arms, figuring out whether she wants to sleep, nenen, eat or changed. Sometimes I can’t even figure it out.

Then, I look at Sara. MashaAllah, she’s already 9 months and 1 week. Yet, the state of my emotions still feel like 8.5months ago when I was in confinement. Fuzzy, emotional, unstable, overwhelmed, full of fear. After I’ve given birth, I don’t feel quite the same anymore. Sure, I have a child now so that’s totally the reason why. but no, I just don’t feel like myself. I don’t know who I am. and that… is one of the worst feeling. If I could travel back 2 years ago, I would be asking myself, who have I become now?

I feel like I’ve lost function to this world.

Except to take care of Sara.

Is that it? Am I just nothing to this world? Am I doing anything to change, or even play a role in this fast paced world?

There are so many tough challenges being a young mother. While all my girl friends are out having fun, wearing nice clothes, yet I’m home with a baby. Or, when I’m out, I’m wearing my little collection of nursing-friendly clothes with my nursing BRAS. (Nursing bras are horrible looking yet expensive). Here I am, with a baby in my arms, wearing just a tiny bit of eyeliner, clumsily done because getting ready in an hour with a baby is just a miracle. I need two hours if my husband is not around.

I’ve poured my heart out to my husband. He’s doing a lovely job to encourage me to get back on my feet, do something to change. Yet, I keep going back to this same feeling, like a viscous cycle that’s eating me alive, slowly.

Then, I read a blog entry about finding happiness by a dear friend of mine, Zayana Yusof on being happy.

MashaAllah.

It was just what I needed. She just summed it up. I need to stop feeling self pity (because I have a kid, what?!) and get up on my feet. I need to take a break. Get myself busy for work, send Sara to a babysitter and just take a break. When I say, take a break, I mean, get out of routine.

Like how my husband advised, I may not know what I want to do, but atleast I should do whatever that I CAN do. and, just do what I NEED to do.

and I need to get myself back.

and oh, Happy 24th Birthday, Aisyah.