Ever since I got pregnant, I haven’t been quite myself. I thought it would be over when I give birth, but no. If anything, I’m drifting even further than myself.

Sara is now almost 11months this end of month. She started walking today. I mean, really walking. From a corner to a corner, from room to room. Although she falls sometimes (her tiny legs get tired fast), but I can say she’s officially walking now.

I’m so proud of her.

And I also realize that it has been 19 months since I started feeling off. I realize that I haven’t been embracing motherhood.

All these drama of me loosing myself is because I haven’t been embracing motherhood. Right from the beginning, when I got pregnant.

Pregnancy was an emotional roller coaster. Often I found myself blaming my unborn child, blaming my pregnancy. I was unable to connect with her. However, as soon as she was born, it was a love at first sight. I wanted to devote my life for her. To care for her, nurture her, give her the best I can, give her the best chance.

Now, being a mom, I also found myself still unable to embrace motherhood. Always comparing myself to my commitment-free friends, I feel old and dated. I found myself living in a fantasy. Everytime I sit still breastfeeding Sara, my mind wanders off to my fantasy land where I live in my perfect world, looking forward to find that happiness and joy that I so much seek. Sometimes it includes Sara, sometimes not.

Being able to provide Sara with the best, being able to afford things that I want. Travel the world. Dress like a model everyday and blog about it. Being able to sketch while sipping my coffee in an old city. It was MY perfect idea of happiness.

In reality, I can’t always afford to give Sara the best, I can’t always afford clothes, handbags, shoes, my dream babywearing gears and cutest cloth diaper prints. Travelling with a baby is a whole new adventure of its own. Sipping coffee is out of the window. I had to gulp my coffee and get it over with.

The thing is, for the past 19months, I have been missing the point. Nothing is ever going to change if I don’t accept one thing. Happiness is right here. It is what is surrounding me. It is what I have. It is Sara NOW. Not when-Sara-stops-breastfeeding. Not when Sara is finally sleeping through the night. Currently she’s wakes up every 2hours (at most!) during the night. KILL ME. See, I’m being negative again.

Happiness is the little things. When Sara gives me her sweet precious hugs and kisses. When she glances over me for approval. When she smiles after a satisfying feed.

*tears*

Today, Sara started walking. I was too busy being desperate for fantasy to turn into my real life that I missed out on that moment. I have missed out many moments. Moments that are just too short, too precious to even grab for a camera.

I have to embrace motherhood. Accept that I am now a mom, and despite the ups and downs in life, I will always. be. a. mom to my child. It’s a process. and any progress is a good progress.

Because one day, who knows.

Sara is not going to be a baby for long. She’ll be 11 months soon and she’s now walking. Where did that 11 months go?? Next thing I know she doesn’t want to be carried anymore. She’ll want to walk on her own. Her hugs and kisses will be hard to come by. She’ll want her own room. Her own space. At that time, I bet a million bucks that I will cherish this moment. It is just too short.

Sara, about a week young.

p.s, not entirely unrelated: currently obsessed and dreaming about woven wraps. Especially Kokadi and Lenny Lamb wraps. So pwetty. Babywearing keeps me sane. oh…

As many of you know, I gave birth to Sara, on 31st October. It was an amazingly beautiful day, indeed. Sara is now 27 days, she’ll be 4 weeks tomorrow. As far as my recovery, I finally feel a lot better now.

Although my pregnancy was smooth and relatively easy than other women I know, it was really tough and challenging. If you ask me when I was pregnant, I would say being pregnant is not worth it! Yes, that sounded bad.

Then came labour. I was really terrified of labour. I was. I researched so deep so that I could be physically and mentally prepared. I practiced visualisation every day and think positively about my labour. 6 hours in labour, and it turned out to be the most painful yet the easiest thing. It went smoothly according to my visualisation, Alhamdulillah.

Now, the postpartum. It is the worst thing about having a baby. It’s a lot of pain. Contraction pains, breast and nipple pain, body aches, perineal pain, pelvic girdle pain, you name it. My recovery was slow and I was in 3 weeks of agony. I cried so much.

The first 2 weeks, I lost hope that I will ever recover. I guess it was the baby blues talking. Came the third week, I started feeling more sane, and tried to think positively about my recovery. Soon, I started to see improvements. Talk about mind over matter!

Now that my baby blues are completely gone, I’m starting to enjoy taking care of Sara. It used to feel like a chore, perhaps it was all those pain I was feeling. I love waking up in the morning to Sara. She’s the best thing that’s ever happened to me. To us.

I can never forget the first time she was thrown onto my chest right after she came out. Yes, thrown is the exact word. I looked at her and I did not know what was this moving thing that just came out of me. She looked so pale and grey. Guess  I was still fuzzy from the labour. Then, she was taken away, the nurse put a blanket on and swaddled her. Soon she was given back to me while the doctor sutured my perineal tear.

I looked at her and her eyes were wide open glancing back and forth between me, Eddie and the surrounding. She looked like she was trying to understand where she was and what was she seeing (although she probably couldn’t see anything clearly then).

Immediately, I fell in love with her. I was shedding tears of joy. I’m  truly happy that she came into this world. She’s so perfect and beautiful. I had never been so thankful in my life before. Everyday, since she was born, I thank Allah for this gift. I feel so blessed for having her.

Sara, a few hours after she was born.

9 days old

21 days old

If you ask me now, she is definitely worth it. It was worth all the pain, agony and not to mention, all those emotional roller coaster. Truly, she is a gift. And she’s my personal achievement.

P.s, Read my husband’s story on my labour.

P.p.s, I will write about labour and postpartum recovery soon.

The second day was the island hopping day! We bought the tour for 700baht each. It’s called Hong Island longtail boat tour. There’re several speed boat tours, but longtail boat is the only pregnant-friendly option (other than ferries). Although, I wouldn’t recommend if you are close to 6 months or over.

If you are 4-5 months pregnant like me, I suppose it’s fine. But do not let the tour company knows, otherwise they won’t take you in although it’s perfectly safe. They just don’t want to get sued in case of an emergency. For us, we had to ask a few agents that would allow a pregnant lady to join.

Anyway, we had to wait for the pick up at 8.30 in the morning at our hotel lobby and this is our ride! It was like a modified pickup or something, but man, was I thrilled. hahaha.

That morning, the weather was so clear, it was so nice!  Look at the longtail boats behind me. We took the smallest one, which seats about 20-25 pax.

Climbing the boat needs an extra care and effort. Now, this is the reason why I wouldn’t recommend if you’re too pregnant. I was able to climb in and out of the boat with no problem. With a lil’ help of course, but only to avoid falling. Having a dry bag would help too. We didn’t, so we had to be extra careful not dip our bags in the water.

The boat ride was very smooth. It’s not bumpy like speed boat. Granted, it is slow. but it is pregnant friendly and it doesn’t cause me any motion sickness. and I do get motion sickness in the car (because of the pregnancy thing, otherwise I won’t).

I have been neglecting this blog again. I meant to update it, I swear. But I’ve been slumped with work, which I will tell you about later. However, in the midst of setting up business, my husband and I managed to find a time to take a time out and flew to Krabi, Thailand.

Oh dear, this will be a long post with lotsa pictures. And food porn. Bear with me here.

Day 1

It was an early flight and we arrived at our hotel, Aree Tara in Ao Nang, Krabi approx 9 am. We weren’t able to check in yet so we rented a motorbike for 200baht (RM20) for 24hours.

We took a bus to the hotel. It was just 300baht for both of us, and they dropped us right in front of our hotel. Getting a taxi would cost 600baht, but whats the point if you have a lot of time at hand, hey?

That’s me. On the scooter. No, I didn’t drive. Just posing. But I did learn riding a bike on the third day. :p

With the motorbike, we went to the Ao Nang center, got some massage (200baht), lunch and bought data plan for just 109 baht (see Noktahhitam’s post for more info on this).

Finally, it was time to check in to our hotel. The room was exactly as advertised.

I stole this picture from my Noktahhitam’s blog. haha. On our way back to hotel, we bought sticky mango rice on the street.