I had so much to write about. However, during Ramadhan my schedule was so packed and breastfeeding during fasting had made me so exhausted, I had to take naps everyday. Then, after Eid, she fell sick and you know how tiring it is to take care of a sick baby.

Alhamdulillah, she’s all well now. Except for some remnant of coughs.

Being a mother is the hardest thing I’ve ever done. Sometimes I feel like I’ve hit a rock bottom. I don’t know where to go, what to do. All I have to do now is take care of Sara. Make sure she’s fed, make sure she’s changed, get her naps, get a good playtime, and oh the list goes on.

With the little time I have left, I have to cook for her, wash the dirty diapers and clothes, do work. And if I’m lucky, I get to have extra time to clean up the room. Otherwise, cleaning up has to wait till weekend.

This is on good days. On less than good days, I’ll be running up and down the house with Sara on my arms, figuring out whether she wants to sleep, nenen, eat or changed. Sometimes I can’t even figure it out.

Then, I look at Sara. MashaAllah, she’s already 9 months and 1 week. Yet, the state of my emotions still feel like 8.5months ago when I was in confinement. Fuzzy, emotional, unstable, overwhelmed, full of fear. After I’ve given birth, I don’t feel quite the same anymore. Sure, I have a child now so that’s totally the reason why. but no, I just don’t feel like myself. I don’t know who I am. and that… is one of the worst feeling. If I could travel back 2 years ago, I would be asking myself, who have I become now?

I feel like I’ve lost function to this world.

Except to take care of Sara.

Is that it? Am I just nothing to this world? Am I doing anything to change, or even play a role in this fast paced world?

There are so many tough challenges being a young mother. While all my girl friends are out having fun, wearing nice clothes, yet I’m home with a baby. Or, when I’m out, I’m wearing my little collection of nursing-friendly clothes with my nursing BRAS. (Nursing bras are horrible looking yet expensive). Here I am, with a baby in my arms, wearing just a tiny bit of eyeliner, clumsily done because getting ready in an hour with a baby is just a miracle. I need two hours if my husband is not around.

I’ve poured my heart out to my husband. He’s doing a lovely job to encourage me to get back on my feet, do something to change. Yet, I keep going back to this same feeling, like a viscous cycle that’s eating me alive, slowly.

Then, I read a blog entry about finding happiness by a dear friend of mine, Zayana Yusof on being happy.

MashaAllah.

It was just what I needed. She just summed it up. I need to stop feeling self pity (because I have a kid, what?!) and get up on my feet. I need to take a break. Get myself busy for work, send Sara to a babysitter and just take a break. When I say, take a break, I mean, get out of routine.

Like how my husband advised, I may not know what I want to do, but atleast I should do whatever that I CAN do. and, just do what I NEED to do.

and I need to get myself back.

and oh, Happy 24th Birthday, Aisyah.

Since my previous post on why we made the decision to change to cloth, I thought I should do a review on cloth diapers to help people make decisions. When I started CD-ing, it is quite hard to find good reviews on economical cloth diapers in Malaysia.

All the cloth diapers I’m reviewing are under RM50, because I simply won’t be able to justify the price of premium diapers. Designer prints, yes. They all end up being pooped on.

The brands that I’m reviewing are; TeddyGenius, Adora, Rumparooz, Bamboolite, Bayu diapers.

Baby’s profile: Sara, 6mo baby girl.

Build: Slim, slim waist with slight tummy. Medium thighs.

Wetting behaviour: Moderate

Part 1: OS Pocket Diapers

Pockets are close to disposable diapers. Except that there’s a pocket that you can insert an absorbent insert that’s gonna absorb all the moisture. The insert is inserted into the pocket because it can not touch baby’s skin. Below are the general pros & cons of One Size Pocket Diapers.

Pros:

• Prestuff pockets are more daddy/nanny friendly as stuffed pockets work like disposables.
• Usually fast drying because the inserts come apart
• Ability to customize absorbency by changing or doubling the inserts

Cons:

• You may have to pull out nasty insert out to prior to washing.  Although some pockets are designed so that it self agitate in the washer.
• It’s bulkier and takes more storage space
• Requires extra time to stuff the pockets before use.

Recently I made, what I believe, is a responsible choice to try out cloth diapering. I’ve been wanting to cloth diaper even while I was still pregnant, but the thought of doing laundry, and, all this information are.. overwhelming. Flats? prefolds? Pockets, AIO, AI2. (WHAT?) Then, there are inserts, hemp, microfiber, bamboo, stay dri, natural, organic.. ARGH!!!

The first switch I made was switching to cloth nursing pads. Previously I was using disposables nursing pads and they are so expensive! It’s about RM30/week. So, my husband suggested the washable ones and I cringed everytime he suggested it, thinking about the extra laundry + overwhelming new baby. Then, I found a good deal, 8 pairs for RM32, I didn’t think twice and grabbed them. It turned out to be extremely comfortable (no wonder I was so cranky before, my breasts were uncomfortable! haha) and the laundry wasn’t that much at all!

Now, fast foward. When Sara was barely 5 months, I got brave and bought some pocket CDs (that’s cloth diapers) from Teddy Genius. Since they were on clearence, no harm.

My logic: I can do washable nursing pads. That means I can do CD, too.

I initially got three. And now I’ve increased my stash to, to, well, a few of various brands. Now, I’ve been CD-ing (let’s keep up with the lingo, folks!) for a month and I have to say that it’s a wonderful experience, I enjoy it and I’m definitely ready to CD full time.

There are four reasons why I PERSONALLY  love cloth diapering; cost efficient, environment, comfort and health.

1. ENVIRONMENT

I am, by no means a hardcore green person. I do try when I can, to recycle. (I don’t know if Malaysia has pickup services for recyclables). However, the amount of disposables we’re throwing away is crazy! During Sara’s first 3 months of life, we have thrown away about 1000 disposable diapers into the landfill. That is an awful lot of diapers, it’s INSANE! Now, imagine that average babies are on diapers for 2.5 to 3 years. That’s almost 8,000 diapers for just ONE baby!

To give you the visual, it’s probably equivalent to a full rack at the store.

According to Real Diaper Association, it takes approximately 250-300 years for a diaper to decompose! Whoaaaa

When you think about the mountains of landfill, it’s kinda irresponsible of us humans to do that to our own environment for the sake of “convenience” of taking care of our offsprings. Don’t you think? There are people who genuinely believe human shouldn’t procreate for environment’s sake.

Sure, disposables come in handy during overseas trip and such, but on day-to-day basis, it makes sense to use cloth. Here’s some light on our landfill situation. Now that my perspective has changed, I will consider switching to cloth pads too, once I get my period back. 

Before I had Sara, I always had my own ideas about parenting. What I’m gonna do, how am I gonna deal with her fussiness or whatever, and that includes the kind of baby gears that I might like.

For example, when it comes to carrying Sara while we’re out an about. We bought a nice Bumbleride stroller which we love. I never thought about buying a baby carrier whatsoever because I thought it’s not ‘cool’. (what is cool anyway?)

Then, when Sara was around 6 weeks, she started to become fussy. She wanted to be held, and she wanted comfort nursing almost ALL the time. She nursed for up to 1 hour and a half at one time. Day or night. Everyday felt like a battle. I was stressed out because I felt constrained.  So I started to make a research on how to cope with this. I read an article which suggested babywearing.

I had never considered babywearing before, and I was overwhelmed by the many types of baby carrier. There are ring slings, wraps,soft structured carriers and few others. I did tons of research. Finally, I rented a linen Jumpsac ring sling from SentuhanBayu. Once I got it, I practiced wearing it for a week, with help from youtube and the facebook babywearing support group. Oh, once I got it right, things started to get easier. I was able to put my fussy baby to sleep in just a few minutes, and let me add -handsfree! Of course I love that!

After 2 weeks of wearing her, she fussed a lot less. A LOT. Nursing time gradually reduced to 45 minutes,  30minutes, then 20, and now only 10 minutes. Any longer, she’d puke the excess milk. And then I realized one thing, she wanted comfort nursing because well, she wanted to comfort herself. Also, all she wanted was to be close to me!  With the ring sling, I was able to provide her just that, while still going on with my life, chores or whatever needs to be done. Surely I won’t be able to do heavy chores with baby in front of me, (ironing is a risky task, unless if I pop her at the back!).

So, once my ring sling rental was over, I went ahead and made my own right sling. Of course!

lightly padded shoulder ring sling

I used cotton drill (the fabric used to make uniforms or men’s shirt). It’s sturdy because it has additional diagonal weave, I wasn’t able to rip it apart. Since it’s that sturdy, I only have to use one layer of it. Linen might be a better option because it gets stronger over time, but it’s not my favourite because I find it too warm on me. I made two, one with gathered shoulder and one lightly padded. I’m surprised to find the simple gathered shoulder is more comfy! Perhaps that’s just my preference.

 simple gathered shoulder ring sling

Oh also, the sling rings are made especially for this purpose. It’s unwelded aluminum rings, and weight tested and made in US. I bought them from Snuggbaby.com

Before I knew it, ring sling is a staple wherever we go, even with our stroller. Whenever she’s awake or doesn’t wanna be alone in the stroller, I just pop her right in and she doze off. Now she enjoys looking around at eye’s level. One of the best thing about it, I don’t have to keep an eye on the stroller during shopping, because she’s literally right under my nose. haha! Babywearing is so practical and serves as a useful tool for parents. I can’t imagine caring for Sara without it.

date with my best gal

breakfast with ze hubster

Makan-makan with family

working outside

Babywearing is a mutual. My baby gets the love and security she needs and I get my hands free. WIN-WIN. Period.

Contrary to my misconception about babywearing, it doesn’t make my baby clingy at all, if anything, it made her less clingy because she’s so secure and she knows that I’ll always be there for her. Plus, it makes me feel like a supermom, being able to ‘wear’ her and make morning coffee for my husband. 😉

Oh, a bonus. I learned how to nurse her in the ring sling! Yep, I can NIP on the go!  It’s such an achievement and it brought babywearing to the next level. I can now walk around while nursing her in the ring sling! No need to find a seat anymore. I even shopped while she’s nursing discreetly! woot! *dances like a monkey* It certainly makes my life 100 times easier and Sara is a happy baby Alhamdulillah!

Who knew I would be so into natural parenting. I enjoy it so much! Next up: cloth diapering. yeah, you heard me. CLOTH DIAPERING.

P.s, I’m putting her to sleep in my ring sling as I’m writing this.

p.p.s, NIP = nursing in public

*IMPORTANT NOTE*

Before babywearing, ensure that you do enough research to make sure that you are pacticing safe babywearing. Using suitable carriers for baby’s age and using it correctly is very important as safety is vital. These list should get you started on your reasech.

Babywearing Reasources:

• Ergonomic carrier vs crotch carrier
• TICKS rule for safe babywearing
•  Babywearing 101
• Benefits of Babywearing
• More benefits
• Malaysian Babywearers support group