A month ago I got a job as an assistant architect in Kuala Lumpur. We’ve had plans to move to KL and we did exactly that now that we have a reason to. The company needed to me join them ASAP so god has His way and I found a babysitter that can be trusted.

I asked for a half day for the first day of the job so that Sara won’t be too overwhelmed. The first day I sent her, Sara cried as I left the house and I went to work feeling like an irresponsible mother. It got me thinking, what kind of world are we living in that mothers have to leave her offspring into a stranger’s care? It did not feel right for me.

When I went to the babysitter’s house, Sara cried as she saw the sight of me. She immediately wanted comfort from me. I felt like I have betrayed our 11-months short of built bonding, trust and unconditional love. And that weekend, being an observant mother, I found something was off about her. She became possessive and insecure about me. I can’t leave her eyesight or she will cry like I’m leaving her forever.

Then, a week later, she came down with a fever. Long story short, she had an episode of febrile fit. Which is a kind of seizure caused by high fever. It was really, really scary and her post-seizure condition was so worrying that I thought I had lost her. Luckily my sister (future doctor insyaAllah) was home and she knew what to do to abort the seizure. Coincidentally she had just finished her posting in pediatrics. Anyway, fast forward again, Sara was hospitalized for 4 days. I had to take 2 days of emcee. She was discharged without a fever and only flu.

About 30% of children under of age 6 get febrile fit once in a lifetime. and 10% have febrile fit repeatedly. I crossed my fingers that Sara is within that 30%. Bottom line is, everytime Sara has a fever, extra caution & monitoring must be taken.

2 weeks later, once again, Sara was down with a fever. This time we were prepared. We have her  medicine,her thermometer. We monitored her temperature around the clock even at night. She started taking pcm on Friday night when her fever started. We did the sponging routine, light clothing, constant monitoring etc. Then, the next day, 3 hours after her last pcm dose, she was still at 38.8. So, we quickly rushed to the clinic to get her a pcm sup to bring down the fever.

Unfortunately, the doctor refused to give her the sup because it’s only been 3 hours. At the hospital, they would still give her sup even when her last oral pcm dose was an hour ago. So, I felt uneasy about this doctor’s decision. At the same time, I also fear for overdosing her. The doctor suggested us to wait for another hour and keep sponging her.

And.. as fate has it, an hour later before we could even give her the sup, she had a second episode of febrile fit  while I was nursing her. This time we knew what to do and we quickly helped her abort the fitting. We rushed her to another nearby clinic to get her sup. We then immediately referred her to Gleneagles KL.

Now, having the second fitting, it’s almost confirmed that this might happen again in the future, and we have to do the best we can to avoid Sara getting a fever in the first place. One of those things is stop sending her to her babysitter (nurseries are notorious for making kids sick. Perhaps the sickness jumps from one kid to another and becomes a vicious cycle).

Usually, babies can adapt with changes. But in Sara’s case, I think she couldn’t accept to stay with the babysitter. So, she becomes unhappy and then that makes her sick. So, before the stress starts to affect her mental development, it becomes an urgent decision that has to be made. So we moved back to Shah Alam the night she was discharged.  I admit, sending her to the babysitter was the worst decision for Sara, but I didn’t know that then (nothing wrong with the babysitter, it’s just Sara who’s unable to adapt). I’m just glad we realized this early.

That means, now I have to commute a painful trip from Shah Alam to KL.

Painful, indeed. But that’s a mother’s sacrifice.  Now, my new daily routine is cursing how KTM sucks monkeyballs. It is so bad, it needs its own post.

My husband came up with this brilliant idea to create an email account for Sara. We will give her the password to her account when she turns 18. It feels like a time machine! and my husband has always wanted to build one.

We will send her love letters, pictures, tips and anything we could think of so that she will know what happened when she was still a baby. I have no idea how often we will do it, but it I hope she will read each and every single one of them. I hope we won’t go spammy! We can be kinda obsessed to her. LOL

Well, here’s my first letter to her.

Dear Sara, 

Ever since I got pregnant, I haven’t been quite myself. I thought it would be over when I give birth, but no. If anything, I’m drifting even further than myself.

Sara is now almost 11months this end of month. She started walking today. I mean, really walking. From a corner to a corner, from room to room. Although she falls sometimes (her tiny legs get tired fast), but I can say she’s officially walking now.

I’m so proud of her.

And I also realize that it has been 19 months since I started feeling off. I realize that I haven’t been embracing motherhood.

All these drama of me loosing myself is because I haven’t been embracing motherhood. Right from the beginning, when I got pregnant.

Pregnancy was an emotional roller coaster. Often I found myself blaming my unborn child, blaming my pregnancy. I was unable to connect with her. However, as soon as she was born, it was a love at first sight. I wanted to devote my life for her. To care for her, nurture her, give her the best I can, give her the best chance.

Now, being a mom, I also found myself still unable to embrace motherhood. Always comparing myself to my commitment-free friends, I feel old and dated. I found myself living in a fantasy. Everytime I sit still breastfeeding Sara, my mind wanders off to my fantasy land where I live in my perfect world, looking forward to find that happiness and joy that I so much seek. Sometimes it includes Sara, sometimes not.

Being able to provide Sara with the best, being able to afford things that I want. Travel the world. Dress like a model everyday and blog about it. Being able to sketch while sipping my coffee in an old city. It was MY perfect idea of happiness.

In reality, I can’t always afford to give Sara the best, I can’t always afford clothes, handbags, shoes, my dream babywearing gears and cutest cloth diaper prints. Travelling with a baby is a whole new adventure of its own. Sipping coffee is out of the window. I had to gulp my coffee and get it over with.

The thing is, for the past 19months, I have been missing the point. Nothing is ever going to change if I don’t accept one thing. Happiness is right here. It is what is surrounding me. It is what I have. It is Sara NOW. Not when-Sara-stops-breastfeeding. Not when Sara is finally sleeping through the night. Currently she’s wakes up every 2hours (at most!) during the night. KILL ME. See, I’m being negative again.

Happiness is the little things. When Sara gives me her sweet precious hugs and kisses. When she glances over me for approval. When she smiles after a satisfying feed.

*tears*

Today, Sara started walking. I was too busy being desperate for fantasy to turn into my real life that I missed out on that moment. I have missed out many moments. Moments that are just too short, too precious to even grab for a camera.

I have to embrace motherhood. Accept that I am now a mom, and despite the ups and downs in life, I will always. be. a. mom to my child. It’s a process. and any progress is a good progress.

Because one day, who knows.

Sara is not going to be a baby for long. She’ll be 11 months soon and she’s now walking. Where did that 11 months go?? Next thing I know she doesn’t want to be carried anymore. She’ll want to walk on her own. Her hugs and kisses will be hard to come by. She’ll want her own room. Her own space. At that time, I bet a million bucks that I will cherish this moment. It is just too short.

Sara, about a week young.

p.s, not entirely unrelated: currently obsessed and dreaming about woven wraps. Especially Kokadi and Lenny Lamb wraps. So pwetty. Babywearing keeps me sane. oh…

Having a baby, I find that it is easy to lose myself. I found an article by Pinky on Loosing yourself to motherhood and alhamdulillah, I’m relieved. The article is a proof that what I’m feeling is normal and I’m not alone. Honestly, I thought I was going crazy because I have …lost myself to motherhood.

My daily life now revolves around Sara. When I’m not breastfeeding, or putting her to sleep, I’m feeding her, chasing after her (she’s mobile now, crawling FAST) or catching her when she falls.

I don’t eat healthy foods, I eat leftovers and whatever I can grab with little time I have. I gulp (not sip) my coffee. I have shower in 10 minutes. I procrastinate peeing so many times that I caught UTI (urinary tract infection). I don’t exercise, which was something I used (and love) to do. Cleaning is a speedy, speedy thing, if I manage to do it.

and that, with ONE baby. An active, smart and curious one at that.

Yes, unfortunately I’m not one of those moms who feel amazinggg after they had a baby. I was overwhelmed and I had so many anxiety. I was unhappy a lot. I felt like my ‘freedom’ had just been robbed from me. However, I realize that is a very selfish thought and it is something I have to turn around.

To get mommy mojo back, Pinky highlighted several points:

1. Carving out ‘Me’ time

Carving out ‘me’ time can be a tricky one. I feel like I had to steal time just to have my morning shower or it will be pushed back to noon! I guess I need to talk to my husband so that he can take Sara for a few hours while I do my thing. Alone, uninterrupted. Although… I have no idea when that would be possible.

2. Schedule one activity a week

Hmm, gym perhaps? Or a run around the block. I can try.  Ideally, I want something more challenging such as rock climbing or Skytrex challenge. But hey, baby steps yo.

3. Meet up with a friend who also has kids

Being a young mom has it’s downside. Most of my friends are still UNMARRIED. Yes, I’m THAT young. I feel so lonely because I don’t know many other moms and I can’t vent out my mommy problem to my single friends, they wouldn’t understand. I know, because I’ve been single, and I was  oblivious of babies, and this whole mommy world.

However, I have a few mommy friend and this certainly can be done.

4. Start a gratitude list

Sara is amazing. MashaAllah.  Motherhood can be very exhausting but also highly rewarding. I’m always happy to see her smile, to see her reach her milestone development. Whenever she gives me a kiss, a hug or call me ‘mama’, she makes my heart feel warm. In a lot of ways, she has changed me. She made me a less selfish person (I was a very very, self centered person, I admit), she made me more warm (I used to hate kids).

Oh, also, babywearing also helps me to feel happy. It allows me to carry Sara and have my hands free. Love love love. It’s my favourite part of motherhood. And I loveeee cute prints on cloth diapers.

Alhamdulillah, I got pregnant really fast after we decided to try for a baby. Maybe Allah knew if I didn’t get pregnant then, I might have changed my mind and delayed having a baby. Allah knows best.

Alhamdulillah, thank you Allah for Sara.

Husband – I have a wonderful responsible, supportive husband who is not afraid to help change Sara’s diaper. (and we are CD-ing!) He’s not afraid to wash the dishes, help clean the room, wash the toilet, organize the room. He might not be romantic (because he’s more of a logical person) but he is sensitive to my feelings. Sometimes he feels like a best friend to me. We love travelling and having our little adventures together. Whether it’s a city adventure in busy city of Bangkok or Camping in Great Ocean Road, Melbourne. Love love love.

Family – I have a great family, who always supports me. Especially my mom, although we bicker sometimes (because I’m such a hardheaded) but I know she means nothing but good intention to me.  Alhamdulillah.

4. Ditch the stereotypes of a ‘good mother

I think the only person who set the stereotype is the mother herself. It’s easy to feel like a bad mother when someone points out something at what you’re doing. You are the only one who knows your child. And there’s no such thing as a super mom. All moms are a super mom when they raise a healthy child.

All in all, I’m okay. I just need to chill, breathe and keep being positive. No matter how many times I wake up at night, how thick my eye bags are, or how much I’m breaking out (due to bad sleep and unhealthy diet) I. need. to. stay. positive.

And keep praying things will get easier.