Ada orang, bertahun-tahun kahwin tapi belum dapat anak. Teringin sangat-sangat. Tapi rezeki hartanya, MashaAllah! 

Ada orang, anaknya ramai, tapi hartanya kurang sedikit. Harta cukup-cukup kalau tidak kurang. Anaknya baik-baik, rajin belajar.  

Ada orang, hartanya mewah. Dapat anak beberapa, tapi ada yang tidak sempurna. Ada yang downsyndrome, autistic, berpenyakit kronik. Hari-hari sungguh mencabar, kesabaran sangatlah tinggi.  

Ada orang, kahwin muda, dapat anak comel-comel, sempurna. Suami baik. Kewangan ok. Tapi ibu pula konflik kerana kurang matang untuk menjadi ibu sehinga anak-anak menjadi mangsa amarah dan sedih ibu. Nak kejar ‘freedom’, nak kejar karier. 

Ada orang, isterinya cantik, anak2 comel sempurna, masalah kewangan pun tak ada tapi suami pula bermain kayu tiga.

Ada orang, suami-isteri loving. Anak comel-comel. Rezeki duit mencurah-curah. Sempurna semua. Tapi keluarga berpecah-belah.  

Nampak tak point disini? 

Point saya, belajar bersyukur. Jangan tengok apa yang kita tak ada, tengok apa yang kita ada. 

Sesuatu yang masih saya belajar. At 26, I have 2 beautiful children that I feel grateful for, but it’s not easy to beat the demon inside of me. The demon that longs for freedom and chasing worldly matters. To beat the demon that thinks my kids are obstacles to my life and dreams. One fine day, I will beat that demon but for now, I will keep fighting. 

How? By being grateful. Everyday.

Last few weekends, we had been taking Sara to BeeBop circus class, and it was such a great class! At first, I thought it was just physical play, but it’s much more than that.

The class is about 45 minutes long and has story-telling, singing and encourage interactions between the children and the instructor. It also has physical play that encourages balance, and ability to follow instructions. It’s great, because it’s a learning through play and Sara really loved it. Sara is almost (exactly 3 years), so she’s in accompanied class which involves parents. BeeBop has many other classes to suit different age groups.

On Sara’s first day, she was a bit shy to speak up, and a bit resistant to try to follow through the activities. However, with a bit of encouragement, she just go ahead and participate.

On her second class, we had already see improvement, she was speaking up more, and more excited to participate. She would be one of the first to run to be the first to start the activity play! I’m so proud of her. Sara has soooo much energy, even by the end of the class, she would still have so much energy left, although I could see she was beginning to feel tired, but she won’t give up. Some kids do slow down, which is fine, but not Sara. I’m not surprised, but it’s amazing for her.

Surprisingly for me, her balance has also improved. Previously she stumbled a lot and bumping into things, LOL but now not so much. In fact, I think the class is also great for parents, because it gave us ideas on how to play with our daughter at home. Back home, we repeat some of the games we played in the class.

On her last day of class, we felt a bit sad about not being able to continue as it’s mostly logistic issue. Beebop circus is located at The School, Jaya One, Petaling Jaya, while we are staying in KL. On weekends, we go to our mum’s house in Shah Alam, so you can see how hectic our weekend can get as it could take 4 hours total just to bring her there and come back home.

However, if you do live nearby or time is not a concern (as if I’m not mistaken they also have weekday classes) I would definitely recommened Beebop Circus. It is so beneficial for Sara and we can see it.

My husband made a little video so you can get some ideas..

UPDATE 29-March 2017 – Until today Sara still talked about Beebop circus and even sang to some of the songs that she learned. It goes to say during that short 4 classes, it really made an impact on her.

11.30pm

Both kids are still awake. Sara is still very active. Playing and doing her gymnastics on the bed. Amira is wide awake because she ‘napped’ half and hour earlier. Ok, she didn’t nap, she went to bed but Sara’s excitement woke her up.

I was feeling defeated. I was tired. All I wanted to do was to relax and have a good sleep for a productive day tomorrow.

But I couldn’t.

So I pretended to sleep on the bed while the kids were busy exploring their physical capabilities. Amira was climbing on me to try to stand up. Sara was rolling over my legs.

Bloody. Hell.

I don’t care, I want to sleep.

So I tried, but I couldn’t. I was starting to get really annoyed they took MY time. Instead of yelling at them, I decided to give myself a therapy. So I closed my eyes and fantasized.

I fantasized myself living in a parallel universe where I never had kids. Where when I was 23, I was mature enough not to be pressured by my mom to have kids. Where I was sane enough not to think I could handle kids. Where I knew that having kids won’t change someone who is not a baby person.  That I wish I knew, how having kids could rob you of your freedom because your mom always said that you can still do whatever u want despite having kids.

What a bunch of bull.

Then I fantasized about how my life would have been had I never had kids. I long for days where I can actually relax after a long hard day at work. I can do the chores in one hour, and then have another 2 hours to myself before going to bed. The bliss of not having to worry about an actual person’s volatile emotional state (such as of a toddler). These thoughts are dangerous as it can stem into wishful thinking..

Suddenly,  as I lay on the bed. Amira climbed on me and kissed me with her messy saliva. Sweet, and gross at the same time. and I said, “Amira, stop kissing me, get off me.” Then, Sara came over and said, “I want to kiss you, mama”.

“No, Sara, don’t kiss me.” I said. I just wanted to be left alone.

“Mama taknak kawan Sara ke?” She asked.

“Bukan mama taknak kawan, mama taknak kiss” I explained.

“Ala… bolehlah kiss… Sara nak kiss mama”

“hmm ok”

“OK!” she said excitedly. She hurriedly kissed me.

I felt butterfly in my tummy. I felt a light in my dark heart, for a brief moment.

12:30 AM. Kids are finally asleep but I found myself still awake. I have made a promise to myself not to feed on negativity, but on some days it is very very hard. I have also pledged to myself to pray more. Seems like everything else is too ‘wordly’ of a matter.

I distracted myself with iPad entertainment until I was sleepy again  and went to bed. Well, here’s to another day to survive.

Assalamualaikum Sara,