Before I was a mother,
I slept late every night, and wake up anytime I wanted,
A cup of raspberry tea for relaxation,
Never woken up by anyone who needs attention

Before I was a mother,
The morning breeze is rejuvenating,
A cup of coffee is a bliss,
Never have to instantly wake up to mothering,
Going to work is only as bad as the traffic is,
No morning is rushed to the nursery.

Breastfeeding is an emotional journey. Your body is not yours and clothing choices are limited to ones with nursing access. Your baby is your timer.

Although my milk supply is low, Amira still won’t accept any type of formula milk from the bottle. After 7 months I stopped expressing milk at work as it was too challenging. I was hoping my milk supply would deminish due to lack of demand, but 5 months later I still find Amira attached to my breasts with no signs of weaning off. *sigh*

To me, it’s unbearable, I so desperately want to wean her off. I’ve tried many things to wean her but all were unsuccessful attempts. If anything, it made her even more upset and it feels like it gets harder every time.

I am so frustrated because while I was pregnant I told her to be the kind of baby who doesn’t care what kind of milk to eat. But noooo she did not turn up that way. Now I’m convinced all those pregnancy talk is a bunch of bullshit people tell you to make you feel better and get through pregnancy. One of many, many parenting scams. Aha!

Anyway.. As I was convinced I am in a deep shit hole (lol), I can see a little bit of hope.

On Saturday night, she woke up at around 2am. And she took a bottle of formula milk, with no fight! OMG I was so so happy. Although.. the next day, she was back to seeing the bottle as her nemesis. but yeah, I just want to cling on to the fact that she CAN but she just won’t.

Alsoo.. in addition,

A kind mother has offered to donate her extra breastmilk. Oh, I am ever so thankful!! Amira was fine taking breast milk in the bottle so I hope that she can accept it. I mean, it has been months since she took a bottle. So yesterday we met the family and they are such such wonderful people. They also have an older son which is turning 5 and Sara and him just hit it off.

I know that Amira will eventually wean off. It’s just that I feel this immense feeling of torture breastfeeding her. However, getting the donated breastmilk somehow gives me hope. Maybe I can use this to slowly transition her to accept milk in a bottle and eventually whole/formula milk.

Here’s hoping to a better (happy) future.

p.s, I’m sorry if this post seems very negative. I am in no way condemning breastfeeding as I know it is best for baby. but hey, this is a personal outlet to express my feelings. I’m pretty sure my husband had heard enough of just how much I desperately need to stop breastfeeding. So..

ok bye.

Happy New Year!!

Gone are the days where I would be so excited to celebrate on new year’s eve. Going to dataran to watch fireworks and welcoming the new year. Amira was sick during the new year’s eve so the weekend was spent caring for a fussy baby.

2016 was the toughest year in my life. Being a mother, of two on its own is already a challenge. I am so blessed that my daughters are healthy and normal. So I would say, as much as I feel that motherhood is tough, there is always a mother who had it worse. However, it doesn’t make my struggles invalid.

2016 was about my inner struggles. My denials about the reality. I hardly wanted kids, but I am so blessed with not one, but two beautiful daughters. I kept thinking about couples who want kids so badly but years went by without two lines on the pee stick. Sometimes I felt life is unfair. I felt the universe is unfair.

For almost a year I struggled. Finding my own lost soul. Lost in amidst of breastfeeding, making baby food, stepping on random toys on the floor, endless laundry and trouble focusing. There are so many little things that needed my attention. Little clothes that need to be washed. Little bags need to be packed. Little things to bring to outings. Little people to manage. Screaming little people to manage. Even simple tasks were daunting.

They say life with children is fulfilling. They say everything is worth it.

But what if, at the end of the day, that is not true for me? All that time, energy, my body… *sigh*

Bliss is having my time for me. Bliss is having my body for my own. Not attached to ugly nursing clothes because they are practical for the baby.

I felt like I was in a dark room where nobody understood how I felt. I was trapped and life just went on without me. Everything were so blurry and I couldn’t recall many things. Conversations were bland. Sometimes I would scream my lungs out when I’m alone because I couldn’t bear the feelings.

I felt sorry for my kids because their mother is barely capable. Their mother hated things she had to do for the kids. Packing their bags, breastfeeding, making their food. Everything was done out of a job without love. It was painful as the job is not paid. No reward to enjoy. No bonus. No gratitude. Worst employment ever, and there was no quitting. It felt like a life sentence. Yet, I still worry if it would negatively impact their growth.

Well, because I do love them. Complicated much?

Then came November. Somehow things started to get better. We got a maid to help out with laundry. I was actually able to pull myself out of the bed and face my day. I started eating well. I paid the parking. I was not late to office. I started getting a clearer head. Suddenly, Amira is entertaining and Sara is ever so sweet and lovely. I went on outings with husband without the kids.

In December, I started to genuinely enjoy the kids. I was kinder to my husband. I went on several marathons. I was fired up to join more marathons in the future. I still couldn’t find the time to exercise, baby steps.  I felt the life in me. I feel inspired to get into my hobby, which was sewing. I wanted to make something.

Looking back in 2016, there was nothing much that I have accomplished. Other than, I now have 2 years experience as an architectural assistant. With all that happened, I still believe that in the end, it is to teach me a lesson. Maybe I won’t learn anything had life went exactly how I wanted. Maybe this is what I need? I’m still waiting for that silver lining even if it’s staring right at me and I didn’t know it. I have to have faith, otherwise, then, what is the point of everything?

One of the biggest lesson in 2016? To live life without regrets. Learning the true meaning of regrets is even more painful than to let it go. It is a process, and I am trying inshaAllah with a lot of prayers.

2017 seems brighter. I am so looking for it. I have plans and already on the way to it, inshaAllah. Please pray for me.

Semalam saya tanya di facebook cara nak slim tanpa diet. Ramai juga yang berminat nak tahu rupanya.

Saya cerita ringkas dulu ye, banyak ilmu ‘diet’ hack ni sebenarnya. Pertamanya kena ubah mentaliti. Jangan diet! Sebaliknya, kita ubah cara hidup & pemakanan kita.

Mentaliti pula, kena kental sebab kita nak sihat. Bila kita dah selalu makan makanan sihat, kita makan benda yang tak sihat, kita akan rasa ‘disgusted’.

1. Fahami konsep KALORI.

Cuba google sikit pasal kalori intake ni. Fahami concept input vs output. Input mestilah bersesuaian dengan ‘daily caloric needs’. Kalau calorie needs kita iala

h 1200kcal sehari, hanya makan 1200kcal (atau -200 untuk kurangkan berat badan). Pada hari yang u exercise, makan 1200kcal.

Jangan kurangkan makan sangat, nanti badan kita akan shock dan boleh sebabkan adverse effects. So, rajin-rajinlah kenali kalori makanan anda.

2. KURANGKAN GULA.

Gula ialah shaitonnnn dalam makanan, terutama makanan yang tinggi glycemic index (GI). Air gula seperti juice, air soda is absolutely FORBIDDEN. Nada!

Pilih makanan yang rendah GI. Kalau nak guna manisan seperti gula melaka, honey, molases, maple syrup.

Simple carbs pun elakkan. Ini termasuklah roti putih, nasi putih, roti canai. Makan: roti wholemeal/ wholewheat, capati, beras perang.

Nak elakkan hidden sugar? Makan makanan yang natural. Avoid processed foods.

3. Pantang DEEP FRIED FOOD.

Ini makanan yang digoreng dengan minyak yang banyak.Banyangkanlah makanan tu akan serap minyak-minyak tu semua. Senang-senang je tambah lemak dalam badan kita. Ayam goreng, pisang goreng, keropok, donut. No- Elakkan makan.

Memangla nampak sodap kan ayam KFC tu, tapi percayalah, bila dah lama sangat tak makan makanan goreng, sekali bila makan balik, perut jadi tak selesa. 

So, kalau pagi-pagi keje makan donut tu, silalah ubah ok.

4. Jaga portion, makan makanan seimbang.

The size of our fist is a good indication of our correct portion. Nasi ke, daging ke, ikut size penumbuk sendiri. Banyakkan sayur/fibre.

5.  Eat small 5 meals a day. (3 main meals 2 snacks)

Maksudnya, 3 kali makanan utama dengan 2x snek. Makanan utama tu jangan la besar gunung nau. Ikut portion tu. In-between meals, kalau lapar cari snek yang berkhasiat. Raw nuts (segenggam sahaja), fruits, kurma, healthy smoothies. Boleh je.

Lagipun, bila kita tak terlalu lapar, takdelah kita nak melahap makan kan. Jangan sekali-kali skip meals, kekerapan makan sangat penting untuk maintain metabolisme rate ok.

Ibu menyusu: Boleh ikut tips di atas, tapi kalau asyik lapar, snek tu boleh dilebihkan sikit. Contoh, 2 biji apple/ 2 biji mangga. Rajinkan minum air ye. Kalau tengah malam lapar, sediakan buah Apple / raw nuts dalam bilik. Jangan turun ke dapur buat maggi tengah malam. huhu

Ok, itu sahaja buat masa ni. Cuba dulu tips ni dan rasakan perubahan dalam masa seminggu, inshaAllah. Mula-mula mungkin agak sukar, lama-lama akan jadi kebiasaan, tak rasa apa pun. Ada soalan?

Ini semua basic je. Banyak lagi tips/hack ni. Contohnya, macammana nak include dalam daily life yang demanding ni? Ada yang berminat nak tahu ke?