A confession of my insecurity.
I’m not one of those people who can eat like a horse and never gain weight. Although I can still eat pretty much a lot without gaining weight, I’ve always felt fat. I’ve never felt skinny in my life. Except for a few times. I’ve always felt fat since I was 12. At that time, I was around 150cm and weighing at 38kg, I still remember. Although at that time, I wasn’t really obsessed. I just thought that I wasn’t skinny -not fat either, but I didn’t think much about it.
Then, in form two (14 years old), I’ve became more conscious about my weight. I still have my vital stats back then -I wrote it down in my journal. And yes, I won’t throw away that journal, despite it has only a few written pages (for some reasons, I teared more than half of the pages). My stats were, 30″-22.5″-33.5″. And I was aiming to become skinnier than that!
Imagine how skinny I was. When I read that, I just couldn’t believe it. I’ve always thought I was bigger than that! I’ve even went on diet, but it was on and off. It wasn’t a healthy diet at all. I was starving myself occasionally. But I wasn’t that serious about loosing weight, as far as I remember.
Then, my friends told me how skinny I was.
I couldn’t believe what they said. There was one time I believed them and I actually ate more to gain weight, cause they said I looked like a flat stick. hahah.
Then, form three. I moved to a new school. Although I made a lot of friends on the first few weeks of school, and actually became the attention, for a while (you know, new kid in school), but I missed my old friends. And started to feel lonely and ate more. For the first half of 2005, I didn’t worry about my weight.
Then, I became 47kgs, at 159cm.
I was worried. So, I was controlling my food intake. I didn’t starve in that year, though. As far as I remember.
Then, came 2006. In the first few months, it was alright. Then, I started to feel conscious about my weight. Slowly, my weight had increased to 50kgs. I went to Saudi Arabia in that year, and when I got back, I realised that I’ve gained a few kgs. The food there was damn good okay! Anyhoo. When I got back, I was 53kgs.
That was my fattest time.
I managed to lose 2kgs. But I gained back the weight I lost during Eid. In 2007, I’ve became even more desperate. I was 53kgs still. Then, I started to go on a diet. This time, a healthier diet. You know, more veggies, but I didn’t starve myself. I didn’t stick to the diet religiously, though.
I managed to lose 2kgs, in the first two weeks. It wasn’t hard, actually. Probably because I was having my sprint training at that time.
Then, in all of a sudden, I became more desperate. I felt so so so fat, and I needed to be skinny. Fast.
And that’s when it started. I began to starve myself.
I kept a food diary, and wrote whatever I ate in that diary. Everyday, my calorie intake became less and less. It even became 300kcals per day. Sometimes, even 0kcals in a day. My first aim was to be 47kgs.
After I’ve reached my 47kgs goal, I realised that it didn’t make any difference to me at all, visually. In fact, I didn’t even feel skinnier. Not even the slightest bit. Then, I aimed for 42kgs.
I starved, and starved, and starved. And starved. If i felt hungry, I drank lotsa water, and If I couldn’t bear it anymore, I went to sleep. After a few days of starving, I binged. Then, after feeling guilty, I throw up.
And that cycle went on and on.This is how my to-do list looked like.
1. wake up (if possible)
2. survive the day
3. sleep
Everyday was a battle.
Even if I didn’t eat on that day, I’d still go to the park to exercise. sometimes, I even exercised twice a day. I watched thinspo on youtube before I exercise as my motivations.
I couldn’t concentrate in class. I sat at the back of the class, sleeping. And, if I wasn’t sleeping, there could only be 3 things. It’s either, a)doodling b) talking or c) counting my ribs. My mind was too occupied with food/loosing weight/ exercise to even concentrate to do any anything else. I skipped schools many times, telling my mum that I wanted to study at home, while the facts were, I didn’t want to be seen NOT eating by friends, I couldn’t concentrate in class, I was always so tired, and also because I felt that I was too fat to be seen.
Even my friends noticed my changes. They said that I looked sad, and sick, which was unusual, since I’ve always been a cheerful and hyperactive girl. I didn’t know that I was ’sick’. I lost a lot of hair, and I’ve stopped getting my menstruation.
I’ve also been avoiding people -friends and family; deny every invitation, and isolate myself from them. I had to take a few days to decide whether to go to a party, and select my clothes to be worn on that day. My main concerns at that time were, the food, and wearing anything that would make me appear fat. Therefore, I chose to spend my time alone and let myself sank deep into my world of misery. As an extroverted person, isolating myself from people is definitely out of the norm.
I thought I was fat, and ugly. and not attractive at all. Plus, I had my braces, which totally add the ugly factor. I showed to my friends a sketch of how I saw my body. And she was like, “Aisyah, that is not how you look like! You are way skinnier than that!” Seriously, I couldn’t believe it. To give you an idea, I was, say, 45kgs - 42kgs at that time, and I saw myself as a person who was weighing at 65kgs. That’s how I saw myself. I couldn’t see myself as I were. I was totally blinded. Wait, let me rephrase that.
I wasn’t blinded, I could see what wasn’t there. I saw it with my own eyes, therefore, I decided to believe what I saw. I didn’t do much shopping in that year, because I believed that I couldn’t fit into anything, and I wasn’t going for a bigger size. I wanted to fit size 2, and size 2 only.
Then, I reached my goal weight, 42kgs. Guess what? I didn’t feel any difference at all! In fact, I felt even fatter than before. Even fatter 53kgs. Seriously. I started to aim for 40kgs. At that time, I was already weak. I couldn’t lift heavy things, I couldn’t walk under the hot sun, and I kept feeling cold all the time. Sometimes, I can even feel like my ribs were bruising. I kept checking them to make sure I didn’t break them or anything. (haha)
I kept working on to lose more weight. But at that time, my weight loss was super slow. I kept going between 42 and 43kgs -never less. And I started to consider giving up.
I was so scared that I was going to end up being a fat cow. I was so afraid that I was going to be like this forever and will never get my way out of this. I felt so trapped. Then, suddenly, my parents talked to me about this. After seeing me became skinny, they were suspecting something. My dad suddenly mentioned about teenagers with ED. He noticed that I always go to the toilet every time after meal, or deny my meals. My mum cried to me, telling me to stop doing this to myself. She said that being skinny is not worth risking my life. She even said that I was too smart to have an ED. (I hate to agree with my mum about this)
That sort of clicked me. I tried to eat a little bit. I allowed myself to actually eat a bit more. But still, I was in dilemma, whether to follow what my mum said, or follow what my heart was saying.
I loved being in control. It made me feel superior. I watched my friends eating MY food, and I deny any food offer from anyone, whatever the food may be. I learned to say no. I never told anyone that I was dieting, though. Cause I know people like to sabotage others.
I was so scared that If I started eating, I’d lose my control and eat more. That’s why exactly I chose not to eat at all.
I couldn’t really remember how I began to eat. I think it was because of Ramadhan, and I actually ate for break fast during the fasting month. After Eid, I became 45kgs. It was totally expected, since my metabolism was screwed up, due to many months of starvation.
2008.
Then, slowly, I started eating. I found a wonderful guy, and he made me feel better about my body. I never knew that my body could be attractive, actually. Sure, I’ve complained a few times about how fat I was, (and I hate myself for doing that), but my poor body image has improved since. I was so happy about myself, my body, and… um, basically, I was happy.
Still am, though.
I’ve also gained my confidence. Well, I’ve always felt confident about myself for a lot of things, but this time, I’ve also gained my confidence about my body.
After about 8-9 months of no menstruation, I got my menstruation back. My hair stops falling, and I I’ve become more energetic, and cheerful.
Slowly, I’ve began to learn to accept my body. Accept the fact that there are skinny people and fat people. Most importantly, accept me for who I am. And know that I am beautiful in many ways. Along with all of those, I’ve started to go back to my social life, and being closer to my family. At that moment, I knew I’ve gotten my life back. I’ve won the battle.
This time, the victory is not surviving the day, but surviving the battle.
Except, now, the fat feeling is creeping back to me. It’s coming back slowly, mildly, but, surely, it’s getting stronger. Just now, I was thinking of starving myself!! but, naaah, I don’t think that would happen. I can see myself a little chubby. but this time, I’m pretty sure I see myself just the way I truly am, and I’m not seeing what can’t be seen.
Aisyah, please don’t get yourself trapped again, I love you so much.
p.s, lengthy rambling entry, and I’m sleepy. sorry if it sounds pretty messed up. (haha)
p.p.s, In your comments, please don’t tell me HOW to lose weight. you u do so, I’ll delete it.
p.p.p.s, I’m not seeking for any sympathy, or attention. Not sure why I’m blogging this, either.
p.p.p.p.s, don’t be surprised if this post suddenly goes missing. I might delete it anytime I wish.
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63 Responses to “A confession of my insecurity.”
Have something to say? Come on, don't be shy. Just say it out loud!
You have no bloody idea where you are in this virtual world, huh? This is a personal blog of a girl named Aisyah, a f*cking bitch, a hot babe and super materialistic. LOL, Just kidding! I'm actually pretty "innocent", and I like to blog. and poking people. and eat lotsa chocolates. Note: this lady on the left is not a Chinese auntie.
some stuff i learnt from school that may be useful to share with:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Anorexia_nervosa
just ask ur local GP if u hv any queries about this
btw just maintain ur BMI in the normal range (18.5-22), I know that teens nowadays are fascinated with the size 0 trend, but whats the point of having Kate Moss’s body and being misreable..btw being too skinny will not do you good for ur reproductive future;)
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you are one of the attractive girls ive ever known in malaysia thru the net.
but i am currently underweight and i’m worried with myself.
gahhh
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hahaha. you are flattering me, thank you.
As your problem, I suggest you to see your doctor.
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It takes guts to write an entry like this, and I’m sure it’ll bring lots of good to other young girls reading. I went through a “tak nak makan” phase too, during school times, though it wasn’t much of a “I wanna be skinny!” reason (although I did look at other girls and notice how thin their legs were. Yes, legs! =_= Pelik tul.) as it was just a malas thing. Wearing braces meant I had to brush my teeth after every meal, kan, so after I brush I dah tak nak makan dessert, or any snacks or anything. I couldn’t eat all types of food whenever the braces hurt, so that caused me to eat less too.
Even till today I sometimes wish I had a less chubby face, (I’m totally fine weight-wise since I’m short anyway) but I’ve learnt to appreciate how God made everyone different. I’ve always had a round face with super-cubit-able cheeks (just talking from childhood experience =/ ), and genetically I’m just not meant to be tall and slim, and that’s perfectly fine. :)
Aneesah’s last blog post..The Updates
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yeap, true. I was kinda hesitating to hit the publish button.
oh, yeah, I looked at their legs too. In fact, I wanted to be skinnier because I wanted to have skinny legs. I tend to look skinnier than I am cause I have a small body frame, and my body is smaller on top, bigger at the bottom. pear-shaped body. good thing about this body shape is that, I don’t get weight that easily.
long bean, (a.k.a stick girls) don’t gain weight at all. *jealousy spikes*
anyways, I’m so proud and happy for you that you are fine with the way you are.
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huhu….it easy to turunkan berat badan…
kwal pemakanan u…ingat kurang makanan berlemak..hee…alamak merapu la pulok kat cnie
andy’s last blog post..1st time posting in English..any Respon???
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try focusing more on the look..not the weight..better look thin right in 50kg than look fat in 42kg..hee~
d2z’s last blog post..Inter Core i7 Price
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i got no idea how to correctly respond to this entry. anyway, aisyah, just make sure you don’t passed out while you’re driving..
seriously, the way you story about your experience, thus makes me feel scared. hope you will be ok. don’t worry much, ok?
p.s: if my words are harsh for you, feel free to delete. i don’t want to hurt your feeling. thats all.
abdusfauzi’s last blog post..Tag : From Wanieduckie [^^]
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dont worry much la. Now I’m alright now. It’s all in the past, bebeh.
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memang sebenarnya u tak gemok pun.Tu yang i pelik setiap kali u citer kat blog,u gemok.Padahal, biasa jer.Elok je pun.Psikologi je tuh.U memang ada body yang menarik..menarik bagi lelaki.Pandai-pandai la jaga.
Uzair’s last blog post..G.Ho.st-Memperkenalkan Sistem Operasi Virtual
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yeah psychology. body menarik bg lelaki? hm… interesting. hahah.
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i penah makan dgn banyak tp bila i timbang, berat i jd 37kg plak…tp bila i control sgt2 ape yg i mkn,berat i naik jd 42kg.. (sangat pelik ok)
dunno why..is that my scale problem or what?
(coz i mmg sehari 2,3 kali timbang berat badan)
but until now i’ll make sure my weigh still between 37-42..
aisyah,stop thinking bout i’m-fat-thing anymore kayh..
:)
ika’s last blog post..cakap biar terang
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i penah makan dgn banyak tp bila i timbang, berat i jd 37kg plak…tp bila i control sgt2 ape yg i mkn,berat i naik jd 42kg.. (sangat pelik ok)
dunno why..is that my scale problem or what?
(coz i mmg sehari 2,3 kali timbang berat badan)
but until now i’ll make sure my weigh still between 37-42..
aisyah,stop thinking bout this gemok2 thing anymore kayh..
:)
u r beautiful like the way u r..
(i want to be skinny too haha)
*skinny guys r sexy..how can i said that when my teacher asked me..lol (out of topic)
ika’s last blog post..cakap biar terang
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skinny guys? ewww. hahah.
um um. thanks. I know I am beautiful. ahahah.
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terpengaruh dengan my ex la ni..adehh..
ape2 je la huhu
*i must stop remembering HIM* (peringatan utk sy sendiri nihh…)
hey…nak coklat?fries?
i’m craving over it now..
ika’s last blog post..cakap biar terang
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Aisyah, it’s not worth starving yourself this way….
It hurts to see a friend suffering like this just to feel better of herself.
All you need is just a spoonful of confidence.
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LOL, honey, that was in the past. =)
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And I can see you have more than a spoonful of confidence….HAH!
I want burritos. :)
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Is this just you or how most girls think about themselves? After reading your post, I somehow feel guilty being skinny..hihi
Cheers
Mohd Nazif’s last blog post..On My Birthday
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guilty for being skinny? -__-
skinny guys are not sexy. hahah. well, that’s my opinion, some girls might have diff opinions.
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sounds like me haha
kalu lelaki tu ade body macam orlando bloom,die seksi..
i want orlando bloom now!!!!!!!
ika’s last blog post..cakap biar terang
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“I’m not one of those people who can eat like a horse and never gain weight.”
thank you. hahahahahahaha *perasan*
omg aisyah, you never told me about this story before!!! but yet, if u told me, i wouldn’t listen pun. haha ok btw, first of all. YOU’RE NOT FAT!!! how many times do u want me to repeat that? and secondly. ure pretty, gorgeous and cute. so why bother about your weight when you have the looks? unlike me, perut dah buncit , short, and i’m not as pretty as you. SO STOP THINKING ABOUT YOUR WEIGHT!!! paranoid! :p
azima pimboli’s last blog post..BUSY AS A BEE
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yeah, I know, I’ve never told this to anyone before. but I think, putting it here means, leaving it behind, I guess.
and OMG Azima, ur waaaay prettier than me. i dont know whther I should hit u with my car, or campak u from a tall building.
-_-
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hey skinny gurl didnt look great…seriously..biar berisi…nampak mantap wei..
xmindfreakx’s last blog post..Aduhai Wanita
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Betul. Apa yang ada pada skinny girl?Nak peluk pon takut.
Berisi lah baru mantap. Berisi ya bukan gemuk. 
rham’s last blog post..Giveaway of the semester?!
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^haha…that right
andy’s last blog post..Script For Myspace [created by me]
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Wow. You are a beautiful girl and certainly not fat - not even close. I think you look amazing and healthy. Don’t let anyone, even yourself, tell you otherwise. :) Stay strong and do what you know is right.
Erika’s last blog post..So Obama is our president…
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aww.. you are too kind. thanks, Erika. your support means a lot to me.
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wow you remember so much =D haha i dont even remember how much i weigh a year ago
sue’s last blog post..oh so yummy and expensive chef rasa sayang
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aisyah, great post dear! im glad ur over the phase *huggies!*
waniee’s last blog post..is skippin’ the psd & designin…
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thank you so much
*big big hugs*
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[...] wrote a great post about her insecurity on her weight & body. You girls should go and read it up! I’m sure a [...]
I’m glad you got over this even though it took a rather long time!
Being skinny ain’t so cool.. trust me.. and you should know that by now considering that you reached 42KGs minimum 2 years ago.
I’m skinny and you already know that lol, though I’m sad I haven’t checked my weight for one year. :(
I’m aiming for 55 KG at the moment (hopefully 58 KG later), and by just guessing, I’d say I’m around 49 KG now
For a boy, I know that it’s not cool to become fat.. but the problem is that I have an extremely high metabolism rate.. like many others.. I’m just desperate to gain a few kilograms! But how?
A question for you. Do you recommend I gain a few KG’s or stay the way I am?
Abdulla
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yeah, being fat isn’t so cool as well as skinny. to me, an ideal weight for a guy of your height is probably 60-65kgs. more, perhaps?
try to do weightlifting, and consume more protein. or, maybe you could try to see your doctor? there’s this high calorie pill that he could prescribe to you (if I’m not mistaken).
49kg??? wow. that’s so skinny. eat more! you should try eat banana leaves also. ahhahahahaahah!
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I agree.. banana leaves all the way!
I think 65 KG is a little too much.. 60 KG is probably the optimum weight!
As far as weightlifting goes.. I used to do that when i was in the middle east lol and I did gain around 3 KG!.. but here.. I got no time for it.. Times flies at light speed in malaysia! Although I’m really hoping to start weightlifting soon..
Thanks for replying and all the best to u!
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65kgs won’t be too much if you are more muscular. =P
I’m saying 65kgs cause from my point of view, guys with lean muscles are sexayh! ahahahha
and oh, time flies and that’s it. it’s the same everywhere. except if you go to a place where there’s nothing to do.
you’re good looking.
seriously.
don’t end up looking like a walking zombie by starving urself.
having healthy weight that suits ur height is more important.
you go girl!
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oh? sweat pea, you are way too generous.
and thanks, will keep that in mind.
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lol. i’ve heard this before. ;p
dang. i also just blogged about the fat me. xD
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i know. I read it. that’s what pretty much pushed me to write this post. been meaning to blog about this since a while ago, but I wasn’t ready.
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tinggi bpe skrng?
Faiz’s last blog post..Kedai Internet - RM 0.25 Bernilaikah ?
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pndek je. 159cm je. ahaha. T_T
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159 pendek je? i 150 hobbit kot. haha
azima pimboli’s last blog post..CHILDREN SEE, CHILDREN DO
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147?? monster?
ika’s last blog post..cakap biar terang
rasanya mmg ade kan penyakit yg org tuh rase dia always gemuk??
maybe aisyah dah kene penyakit tuh gak,hehe
*maybe nama penyakit tuh bulimia
blowie’s last blog post..Penat memenatkan
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yeah, memang ada,
it’s called Eating disorder. specifically, ada 3 categories; anorexia, bulimia and also, compulsive eating. you can always google up on those for more infos.
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naikkan lagi..hehe….lagik mmbesar ..
Faiz’s last blog post..Kedai Internet - RM 0.25 Bernilaikah ?
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walau apa pun yang you cakap you tak geymok laaaaaaa.. serious! you slim.. probably terlalu extremely self-conscious in terms of weight kot. :)
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You know what, maybe I should write something about being chubby as a response to this post. Haha.
Once in my office, people kept telling me that I was too chubby for an “anak dara”. And these people are all 30/40-something makciks, all have nothing better to do than gossip about other people’s weight when in fact they are all fat cows (excuse my French, please). Apparently they thought I should be stick thin because I have yet to give birth, unlike them, etc etc bla bla bla.
At first I ignored most them, until my boss joined in and never passed up the chance to tell me how fat I was. When I finally had enough, I decided to drop my weight by exercising more than my daily routine regime and dropping all junk food. I lost 6 kgs in less than 2 months and that shut the HECK up of everyone.
But the truth is, after that triumphant time I’ve since re-gained all the weight (and then some) and feeling MUCH happier with it. And I get more attention too cuz my boobs are bigger. HAHAHA.
I don’t know how this relates to your article, but oh well. Cheers, Aisyah.
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I’m glad you wrote this and it seems as though you’ve been through quite a lot. I guess we need to accept our bodies and be confident despite our weight. You’re a beautiful girl. :) I’m glad you’re over with it and you’re a much more healthy person now.
At present I’ve been trying to lose weight. I find myself fat even though I’m only 105lbs. I’m not quite sure how many kg’s that is. I’ve been skipping meals, cutting down on my intake of sodas and sweet stuff and drinking 6 bottle waters a day. I’m tired of hearing people calling me ‘chubby’ and my dad complaining of my weight. Maybe someday I’ll be confident about myself as well and be happy with myself but it wouldn’t be anytime soon.
Shen’s last blog post..An update
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ahaaa..
this about u hah ?..
now i know ^^..
im getting BONCET..
lol..
not fat..
eat too much..
cant control it..
:p
amir’s last blog post..PARAMORE: Live In Mexico
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Sorry to hear about your past, but I’m glad to hear that you’ve escape the evil grasps of the idealised standard of beauty and eating disorders. Like what others have said, it takes a lot of courage (and effort! Look at the length… :) heh!) to pen down your feelings and experiences with the disorder.
I’m relieved that your parents intervened, or the situation would have worsened. It’s actually very, very dangerous and risky to starve oneself (I was stunned when I read daily calorie intake = 0 statement) because it offsets the mineral and ionic balance in your body and has multiple repercussions.
I’ve read a story about a girl who has eating disorder, but it was a different reason - she was her school’s athlete, a long distance runner. She constantly overtrains herself, stops herself from eating for fear for the burden of that extra weight. Just like what you’ve went through, she started to feel exhausted, weak, having random cold spells, incoherence in speech, cold/wet palms, dizzy spells. But she didn’t stop, even when her friends and family were desperately trying to help. She continued to starve herself, and she even turned bulimic (forcefully expelling food after a meal). Her menses stopped, her hair started to thin and her hairline started to recede. Her health deterioated and she was once day admitted into hospital and died of a heart attack.
This is a true story, I’m not making random things up to scare you. If you didn’t take the effort to curb your inner desires to staying stick thin, that might what would have happened… omg. I’m really, really relieved that you’re out of that *phew*
There’s no plain Jane - every one, regardless of gender, is unique and beauiful in one way or another. Don’t let people judge you by your looks - if they do, that speaks volume of how shallow they are. There is a lot more inside a person than what meets the eye :) and I always believe in inner beauty. That’s where the real beauty lies. It doesn’t matter if you’re fat or skinny, ugly or beautiful (judged by that skewed idealistic beauty standard, so as to say). If you have a beautiful heart, you don’t need to have a face of Princess Diana, the wealth of Oprah Winfrey, the fame of Ellen DeGeneres to pick up a good cause or to make people think highly of you
Take care! Make sure you don’t repeat what you’ve done before
p/s: Sorry I was a little wordy! Haha!
teddY’s last blog post..If Only
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hi.. there
nice know u here..
skinny??
as long happy… ok aperr
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napa ada org kurus nak jd gemuk….dan org gemuk nak jd kurus…huhuhuhu
andy’s last blog post..Kedai atokk kini dibuka!!!
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ini bukan pasal nak jadi gemuk or kurus
tapi aisyah ni rasa dia gemuk walaupun sebenarnya tak
(maybe la kot sebab tak pernah tgk live lg badan aisyah :D)
ps:aisyah,bagitau sikit pasal nak register domain ni,arituh anta email x reply
blowie’s last blog post..rumahku rumahku! RUMAHKU!
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owh yake…aku pun tgk aisyah nie tak lah gemuk sgt..ok je body dia nie…
andy’s last blog post..Ingin dicintai..???
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Aw Aisyah, I can’t believe you were that way before! I’m glad you’ve opened your eyes and saw the truth for what it is, though, because if you’d carried on like that, I don’t even want to think about what would happen. BY THE WAY, I don’t find you fat, or chubby for the matter, AT ALL. I know you won’t listen to me, but hey, my opinion, my say! SO FOR GOODNESS SAKES, now that you’ve improved, do NOT start going backwards again!
ily x
Eunice’s last blog post..The McDonalds Doom
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cantik, menarik, tertarik ko mmg dabom..wakakaka
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Its getting “hot” in here…. :D Cheers…
TeRaBai’s last blog post..Buying Hosting And Domain
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kalau dah namanya pempuan, bab2 gemok ni memang depa tak suker.. :))
titan’s last blog post..I Got 5th Payment From TNX
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mana ada gemuk..sapa cakap? haha
Richie’s last blog post..The Pro And Con’s Using Wireless Broadband
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Belajar kira dan guna sistem BMI.
Even though it’s not 100% correct, it’s close to correct.
And 53kgs at 16 is bit..grr. It took me a year to be as fat as that. And I’m 20. Dan lelaki. Zzzz.
eD’s last blog post..??????
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I’ve learnt about that BMI thingy when I was 13, thank you.
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