Hi, my name is Aisyah Rozi. This is my personal blog where I share my life experience, thoughts, ideas and occasionally, my projects. Recently, however, I share a lot about being a young mother. I'm also a YouTuber, so do checkout my channel! <3
Feb 10 2017

Before I was a Mother

Before I was a mother,
I slept late every night, and wake up anytime I wanted,
A cup of raspberry tea for relaxation,
Never woken up by anyone who needs attention

Before I was a mother,
The morning breeze is rejuvenating,
A cup of coffee is a bliss,
Never have to instantly wake up to mothering,
Going to work is only as bad as the traffic is,
No morning is rushed to the nursery.

Before I was a mother,
Carefree, never knew about worry,
Worrying about so many,
The staircase, the daily mess, choking hazard,
Allergies and rashes and a sick day.

Before I was a mother,
I was brave,  always exploring,
Never have to battle frivolous conflict,
..with a small kid,
Now, even a simple task seems daunting.

Before I was a mother,

Time is mine,
I work, read, showered and rest at my own time,

My body is mine,
Never have to surrender nursing in the night,

My mind is mine,
No cries to hear, my sanity stays undefiled.

Before I was a mother,
I never felt so much pain,
Hurts as I cry in agony,
Greater than labour, in despair,
out of love, sometimes of misery.

Before I was a mother,
I never knew how big my heart can be,
Loving them as tough as they can be,
For they are as sweet as honey,

Blessings, indeed,
I must convince.

Amira (baby) and Sara

Jan 05 2017

Hello 2017! A reflection on 2016, and moving forward. 

Happy New Year!!

Gone are the days where I would be so excited to celebrate on new year’s eve. Going to dataran to watch fireworks and welcoming the new year. Amira was sick during the new year’s eve so the weekend was spent caring for a fussy baby.

2016 was the toughest year in my life. Being a mother, of two on its own is already a challenge. I am so blessed that my daughters are healthy and normal. So I would say, as much as I feel that motherhood is tough, there is always a mother who had it worse. However, it doesn’t make my struggles invalid.

2016 was about my inner struggles. My denials about the reality. I hardly wanted kids, but I am so blessed with not one, but two beautiful daughters. I kept thinking about couples who want kids so badly but years went by without two lines on the pee stick. Sometimes I felt life is unfair. I felt the universe is unfair.

For almost a year I struggled. Finding my own lost soul. Lost in amidst of breastfeeding, making baby food, stepping on random toys on the floor, endless laundry and trouble focusing. There are so many little things that needed my attention. Little clothes that need to be washed. Little bags need to be packed. Little things to bring to outings. Little people to manage. Screaming little people to manage. Even simple tasks were daunting.

amira-baby-gili-trawangan

They say life with children is fulfilling. They say everything is worth it.

But what if, at the end of the day, that is not true for me? All that time, energy, my body… *sigh*

Bliss is having my time for me. Bliss is having my body for my own. Not attached to ugly nursing clothes because they are practical for the baby.

I felt like I was in a dark room where nobody understood how I felt. I was trapped and life just went on without me. Everything were so blurry and I couldn’t recall many things. Conversations were bland. Sometimes I would scream my lungs out when I’m alone because I couldn’t bear the feelings.

I felt sorry for my kids because their mother is barely capable. Their mother hated things she had to do for the kids. Packing their bags, breastfeeding, making their food. Everything was done out of a job without love. It was painful as the job is not paid. No reward to enjoy. No bonus. No gratitude. Worst employment ever, and there was no quitting. It felt like a life sentence. Yet, I still worry if it would negatively impact their growth.

Well, because I do love them. Complicated much?

_DSC0940

Then came November. Somehow things started to get better. We got a maid to help out with laundry. I was actually able to pull myself out of the bed and face my day. I started eating well. I paid the parking. I was not late to office. I started getting a clearer head. Suddenly, Amira is entertaining and Sara is ever so sweet and lovely. I went on outings with husband without the kids.

white-water-rafting-gopeng0101

In December, I started to genuinely enjoy the kids. I was kinder to my husband. I went on several marathons. I was fired up to join more marathons in the future. I still couldn’t find the time to exercise, baby steps.  I felt the life in me. I feel inspired to get into my hobby, which was sewing. I wanted to make something.

Looking back in 2016, there was nothing much that I have accomplished. Other than, I now have 2 years experience as an architectural assistant. With all that happened, I still believe that in the end, it is to teach me a lesson. Maybe I won’t learn anything had life went exactly how I wanted. Maybe this is what I need? I’m still waiting for that silver lining even if it’s staring right at me and I didn’t know it. I have to have faith, otherwise, then, what is the point of everything?

One of the biggest lesson in 2016? To live life without regrets. Learning the true meaning of regrets is even more painful than to let it go. It is a process, and I am trying inshaAllah with a lot of prayers.

2017 seems brighter. I am so looking for it. I have plans and already on the way to it, inshaAllah. Please pray for me.

 

 

 

Nov 01 2016

Sara goes to BeeBop Circus @ The School Jaya One

Last few weekends, we had been taking Sara to BeeBop circus class, and it was such a great class! At first, I thought it was just physical play, but it’s much more than that.

The class is about 45 minutes long and has story-telling, singing and encourage interactions between the children and the instructor. It also has physical play that encourages balance, and ability to follow instructions. It’s great, because it’s a learning through play and Sara really loved it. Sara is almost (exactly 3 years), so she’s in accompanied class which involves parents. BeeBop has many other classes to suit different age groups.

On Sara’s first day, she was a bit shy to speak up, and a bit resistant to try to follow through the activities. However, with a bit of encouragement, she just go ahead and participate.

On her second class, we had already see improvement, she was speaking up more, and more excited to participate. She would be one of the first to run to be the first to start the activity play! I’m so proud of her. Sara has soooo much energy, even by the end of the class, she would still have so much energy left, although I could see she was beginning to feel tired, but she won’t give up. Some kids do slow down, which is fine, but not Sara. I’m not surprised, but it’s amazing for her.

Surprisingly for me, her balance has also improved. Previously she stumbled a lot and bumping into things, LOL but now not so much. In fact, I think the class is also great for parents, because it gave us ideas on how to play with our daughter at home. Back home, we repeat some of the games we played in the class.

On her last day of class, we felt a bit sad about not being able to continue as it’s mostly logistic issue. Beebop circus is located at The School, Jaya One, Petaling Jaya, while we are staying in KL. On weekends, we go to our mum’s house in Shah Alam, so you can see how hectic our weekend can get as it could take 4 hours total just to bring her there and come back home.

However, if you do live nearby or time is not a concern (as if I’m not mistaken they also have weekday classes) I would definitely recommened Beebop Circus. It is so beneficial for Sara and we can see it.

My husband made a little video so you can get some ideas..

UPDATE 29-March 2017 – Until today Sara still talked about Beebop circus and even sang to some of the songs that she learned. It goes to say during that short 4 classes, it really made an impact on her.

Oct 07 2016

Sometimes I do fantasize…

11.30pm

Both kids are still awake. Sara is still very active. Playing and doing her gymnastics on the bed. Amira is wide awake because she ‘napped’ half and hour earlier. Ok, she didn’t nap, she went to bed but Sara’s excitement woke her up.

I was feeling defeated. I was tired. All I wanted to do was to relax and have a good sleep for a productive day tomorrow.

But I couldn’t.

So I pretended to sleep on the bed while the kids were busy exploring their physical capabilities. Amira was climbing on me to try to stand up. Sara was rolling over my legs.

Bloody. Hell.

I don’t care, I want to sleep.

So I tried, but I couldn’t. I was starting to get really annoyed they took MY time. Instead of yelling at them, I decided to give myself a therapy. So I closed my eyes and fantasized.

I fantasized myself living in a parallel universe where I never had kids. Where when I was 23, I was mature enough not to be pressured by my mom to have kids. Where I was sane enough not to think I could handle kids. Where I knew that having kids won’t change someone who is not a baby person.  That I wish I knew, how having kids could rob you of your freedom because your mom always said that you can still do whatever u want despite having kids.

What a bunch of bull.

Then I fantasized about how my life would have been had I never had kids. I long for days where I can actually relax after a long hard day at work. I can do the chores in one hour, and then have another 2 hours to myself before going to bed. The bliss of not having to worry about an actual person’s volatile emotional state (such as of a toddler). These thoughts are dangerous as it can stem into wishful thinking..

Suddenly,  as I lay on the bed. Amira climbed on me and kissed me with her messy saliva. Sweet, and gross at the same time. and I said, “Amira, stop kissing me, get off me.” Then, Sara came over and said, “I want to kiss you, mama”.

“No, Sara, don’t kiss me.” I said. I just wanted to be left alone.

Mama taknak kawan Sara ke?” She asked.

Bukan mama taknak kawan, mama taknak kiss” I explained.

Ala… bolehlah kiss… Sara nak kiss mama”

hmm ok

OK!” she said excitedly. She hurriedly kissed me.

I felt butterfly in my tummy. I felt a light in my dark heart, for a brief moment.

12:30 AM. Kids are finally asleep but I found myself still awake. I have made a promise to myself not to feed on negativity, but on some days it is very very hard. I have also pledged to myself to pray more. Seems like everything else is too ‘wordly’ of a matter.

I distracted myself with iPad entertainment until I was sleepy again  and went to bed. Well, here’s to another day to survive.

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