Hi, my name is Aisyah Rozi. This is my personal blog where I share my life experience, thoughts, ideas and occasionally, my projects. Recently, however, I share a lot about being a young mother. I'm also a YouTuber, so do checkout my channel! <3
Feb 10 2017

Before I was a Mother

Before I was a mother,
I slept late every night, and wake up anytime I wanted,
A cup of raspberry tea for relaxation,
Never woken up by anyone who needs attention

Before I was a mother,
The morning breeze is rejuvenating,
A cup of coffee is a bliss,
Never have to instantly wake up to mothering,
Going to work is only as bad as the traffic is,
No morning is rushed to the nursery.

Before I was a mother,
Carefree, never knew about worry,
Worrying about so many,
The staircase, the daily mess, choking hazard,
Allergies and rashes and a sick day.

Before I was a mother,
I was brave,  always exploring,
Never have to battle frivolous conflict,
..with a small kid,
Now, even a simple task seems daunting.

Before I was a mother,

Time is mine,
I work, read, showered and rest at my own time,

My body is mine,
Never have to surrender nursing in the night,

My mind is mine,
No cries to hear, my sanity stays undefiled.

Before I was a mother,
I never felt so much pain,
Hurts as I cry in agony,
Greater than labour, in despair,
out of love, sometimes of misery.

Before I was a mother,
I never knew how big my heart can be,
Loving them as tough as they can be,
For they are as sweet as honey,

Blessings, indeed,
I must convince.

Amira (baby) and Sara

Feb 06 2017

Weaning off Amira. 

Breastfeeding is an emotional journey. Your body is not yours and clothing choices are limited to ones with nursing access. Your baby is your timer.

Although my milk supply is low, Amira still won’t accept any type of formula milk from the bottle. After 7 months I stopped expressing milk at work as it was too challenging. I was hoping my milk supply would deminish due to lack of demand, but 5 months later I still find Amira attached to my breasts with no signs of weaning off. *sigh*

To me, it’s unbearable, I so desperately want to wean her off. I’ve tried many things to wean her but all were unsuccessful attempts. If anything, it made her even more upset and it feels like it gets harder every time.

I am so frustrated because while I was pregnant I told her to be the kind of baby who doesn’t care what kind of milk to eat. But noooo she did not turn up that way. Now I’m convinced all those pregnancy talk is a bunch of bullshit people tell you to make you feel better and get through pregnancy. One of many, many parenting scams. Aha!

Anyway.. As I was convinced I am in a deep shit hole (lol), I can see a little bit of hope.

On Saturday night, she woke up at around 2am. And she took a bottle of formula milk, with no fight! OMG I was so so happy. Although.. the next day, she was back to seeing the bottle as her nemesis. but yeah, I just want to cling on to the fact that she CAN but she just won’t.

Alsoo.. in addition,

A kind mother has offered to donate her extra breastmilk. Oh, I am ever so thankful!! Amira was fine taking breast milk in the bottle so I hope that she can accept it. I mean, it has been months since she took a bottle. So yesterday we met the family and they are such such wonderful people. They also have an older son which is turning 5 and Sara and him just hit it off.

I know that Amira will eventually wean off. It’s just that I feel this immense feeling of torture breastfeeding her. However, getting the donated breastmilk somehow gives me hope. Maybe I can use this to slowly transition her to accept milk in a bottle and eventually whole/formula milk.

Here’s hoping to a better (happy) future.

p.s, I’m sorry if this post seems very negative. I am in no way condemning breastfeeding as I know it is best for baby. but hey, this is a personal outlet to express my feelings. I’m pretty sure my husband had heard enough of just how much I desperately need to stop breastfeeding. So..

ok bye.

Jan 05 2017

Hello 2017! A reflection on 2016, and moving forward. 

Happy New Year!!

Gone are the days where I would be so excited to celebrate on new year’s eve. Going to dataran to watch fireworks and welcoming the new year. Amira was sick during the new year’s eve so the weekend was spent caring for a fussy baby.

2016 was the toughest year in my life. Being a mother, of two on its own is already a challenge. I am so blessed that my daughters are healthy and normal. So I would say, as much as I feel that motherhood is tough, there is always a mother who had it worse. However, it doesn’t make my struggles invalid.

2016 was about my inner struggles. My denials about the reality. I hardly wanted kids, but I am so blessed with not one, but two beautiful daughters. I kept thinking about couples who want kids so badly but years went by without two lines on the pee stick. Sometimes I felt life is unfair. I felt the universe is unfair.

For almost a year I struggled. Finding my own lost soul. Lost in amidst of breastfeeding, making baby food, stepping on random toys on the floor, endless laundry and trouble focusing. There are so many little things that needed my attention. Little clothes that need to be washed. Little bags need to be packed. Little things to bring to outings. Little people to manage. Screaming little people to manage. Even simple tasks were daunting.

amira-baby-gili-trawangan

They say life with children is fulfilling. They say everything is worth it.

But what if, at the end of the day, that is not true for me? All that time, energy, my body… *sigh*

Bliss is having my time for me. Bliss is having my body for my own. Not attached to ugly nursing clothes because they are practical for the baby.

I felt like I was in a dark room where nobody understood how I felt. I was trapped and life just went on without me. Everything were so blurry and I couldn’t recall many things. Conversations were bland. Sometimes I would scream my lungs out when I’m alone because I couldn’t bear the feelings.

I felt sorry for my kids because their mother is barely capable. Their mother hated things she had to do for the kids. Packing their bags, breastfeeding, making their food. Everything was done out of a job without love. It was painful as the job is not paid. No reward to enjoy. No bonus. No gratitude. Worst employment ever, and there was no quitting. It felt like a life sentence. Yet, I still worry if it would negatively impact their growth.

Well, because I do love them. Complicated much?

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Then came November. Somehow things started to get better. We got a maid to help out with laundry. I was actually able to pull myself out of the bed and face my day. I started eating well. I paid the parking. I was not late to office. I started getting a clearer head. Suddenly, Amira is entertaining and Sara is ever so sweet and lovely. I went on outings with husband without the kids.

white-water-rafting-gopeng0101

In December, I started to genuinely enjoy the kids. I was kinder to my husband. I went on several marathons. I was fired up to join more marathons in the future. I still couldn’t find the time to exercise, baby steps.  I felt the life in me. I feel inspired to get into my hobby, which was sewing. I wanted to make something.

Looking back in 2016, there was nothing much that I have accomplished. Other than, I now have 2 years experience as an architectural assistant. With all that happened, I still believe that in the end, it is to teach me a lesson. Maybe I won’t learn anything had life went exactly how I wanted. Maybe this is what I need? I’m still waiting for that silver lining even if it’s staring right at me and I didn’t know it. I have to have faith, otherwise, then, what is the point of everything?

One of the biggest lesson in 2016? To live life without regrets. Learning the true meaning of regrets is even more painful than to let it go. It is a process, and I am trying inshaAllah with a lot of prayers.

2017 seems brighter. I am so looking for it. I have plans and already on the way to it, inshaAllah. Please pray for me.

 

 

 

Nov 01 2016

Sara goes to BeeBop Circus @ The School Jaya One

Last few weekends, we had been taking Sara to BeeBop circus class, and it was such a great class! At first, I thought it was just physical play, but it’s much more than that.

The class is about 45 minutes long and has story-telling, singing and encourage interactions between the children and the instructor. It also has physical play that encourages balance, and ability to follow instructions. It’s great, because it’s a learning through play and Sara really loved it. Sara is almost (exactly 3 years), so she’s in accompanied class which involves parents. BeeBop has many other classes to suit different age groups.

On Sara’s first day, she was a bit shy to speak up, and a bit resistant to try to follow through the activities. However, with a bit of encouragement, she just go ahead and participate.

On her second class, we had already see improvement, she was speaking up more, and more excited to participate. She would be one of the first to run to be the first to start the activity play! I’m so proud of her. Sara has soooo much energy, even by the end of the class, she would still have so much energy left, although I could see she was beginning to feel tired, but she won’t give up. Some kids do slow down, which is fine, but not Sara. I’m not surprised, but it’s amazing for her.

Surprisingly for me, her balance has also improved. Previously she stumbled a lot and bumping into things, LOL but now not so much. In fact, I think the class is also great for parents, because it gave us ideas on how to play with our daughter at home. Back home, we repeat some of the games we played in the class.

On her last day of class, we felt a bit sad about not being able to continue as it’s mostly logistic issue. Beebop circus is located at The School, Jaya One, Petaling Jaya, while we are staying in KL. On weekends, we go to our mum’s house in Shah Alam, so you can see how hectic our weekend can get as it could take 4 hours total just to bring her there and come back home.

However, if you do live nearby or time is not a concern (as if I’m not mistaken they also have weekday classes) I would definitely recommened Beebop Circus. It is so beneficial for Sara and we can see it.

My husband made a little video so you can get some ideas..

UPDATE 29-March 2017 – Until today Sara still talked about Beebop circus and even sang to some of the songs that she learned. It goes to say during that short 4 classes, it really made an impact on her.

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